


Blood of My Blood

by ringer237



Category: Lord John Series - Diana Gabaldon, Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: F/M, Gay, Historical, Infidelity, M/M, Sex, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:28:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 32
Words: 33,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27138709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ringer237/pseuds/ringer237
Summary: A re-imagining of the Outlander episode "Blood of my Blood" where Willie is the one who catches the measles instead of Lord John. Consequently, Jamie and Lord John must spend several nights together in the woods whilst, back at the house, Claire tends to Willie. How will six days of solitude affect Jamie and John's relationship? And how will Jamie tell his wife of the time they shared?TW: discussion of sexual assaultNone of the characters or plot of the original episode belong to me. I have also posted this work on other sites.
Relationships: Claire Beauchamp/Jamie Fraser, Jamie Fraser/Lord John Grey
Comments: 289
Kudos: 162





	1. A Reunion Indeed

Lord John POV

The small cabin that Jamie had built certainly appeared to Lord John Grey to be a bit more rustic than the accommodations he, and certainly the young Master William, were accustomed to. But the sight of smoke rising from the chimney, as well as the sweet smell of baking bread emanating from the house, was perfectly welcome after the three day trip on horseback from the town.

As Lord John drew nearer to the house, he could hear the distinctive sound of the sawing of wood. He dismounted and secured his horse, turning his attention to the sound. As he expected, he saw the muscular figure of James Fraser heaving back and forth over the log. John couldn't help but notice that Jamie was not wearing his coat, despite the autumn morning's chill. Jamie's muscles were flexing through the thin cotton of his dirt-stained undershirt. 

It was only when Jamie turned around that John was pulled out of his trance. He looked around briefly in order to conceal the fact that he had been staring at the handsome Scot. Luckily, it seemed to have gone unnoticed by Jamie, who had a look of pleasant surprise at seeing his friend. Noticing this, John let go of some of the nerves he had been holding onto. It had been over a year since he had seen Jamie, and despite their frequent written correspondence, he had been wary of the man's reaction to the impromptu visit.

"What are ye doing out in the back country?" Jamie welcomingly yelled from across the yard. He beganto make his way towards John.

"Well, after your beautiful descriptions of your land in your letters, I figured I would have to come  
see it for myself," John replied, only partially lying. "Also, I had some business in Virginia," he admitted.

"Virginia is quite far from here, John," Jamie cocked an eyebrow and grinned slightly. Within seconds, this look quickly shifted in realization.

John could see the hopefulness glistening in Jamie's eyes. "He's here with me," he said gently,  
"He is down by the river. I was thinking that we could have a moment to speak privately before |  
introduce you to him."

Jamie glanced towards the cabin, and then back at John. "Aye," he said anxiously, "Claire is'na home just now, so we can speak inside."

The men made their way into the warm cabin and John removed his coat as he took in his surroundings. The hearth was alight with the glow of the recently lit fire and room was larger than he had expected. It contained a seating area, wooden dining table, a small kitchen area, and shelves lined with jars and bottles of various sizes. John noted that these must undoubtedly belong to Claire as he recalled Jamie's stories of her talent for healing. John looked to his left and felt a small pang in his chest as his eyes landed on the fairly large bed in the corner. He shook the image of Claire and Jamie cozied under its covers from his head.

Jamie beckoned John to sit in one of the chairs in front of the fire, which he eagerly accepted. His legs were sore from riding and the feeling of the soft cushion beneath him was luxurious. He turned his attention to Jamie, who had his elbows on his knees as he looked into the fire. After a moment, he met John's gaze.

"So what business do ye have in Virginia, if ye dinna  
mind me askin'?" Jamie asked.   
John turned his gaze to his lap. "Isobel's estate is in Virginia. I must go and tend to it." John had not yet told Jamie of his wife's untimely demise. He had not yet told Jamie of his wife's untimely demise. He had not been expecting for it to be brought up so soon. Unsurprisingly, Jamie inquired about her whereabouts.

"Isobel..." John paused tentatively, unsure how to continue, "Isobel has passed away. She took ill on the voyage to Jamaica and has died." That last word hung heavily in the air. John returned his gaze to Jamie's face, which was twisted in sadness and surprise. He had gotten to know Isobel fairly well during his time as a groom at Helwater.

"She was such a kind lass. I am so sorry, John. How are ye faring?"

John sighed. "As you would expect. It has been hard, especially for William. He is grief-stricken. That is one of the reasons I took him with me on the voyage to the colonies. I thought it may help distract him from the pain."

Jamie nodded at this and reached across to give John a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder. John was grateful for the friendly gesture, however Jamie's touch felt as though it had left an imprint on his skin. Although he would have liked to relish in the warmth of it, John knew it would be wise to change the subject.

"He might not remember you," John said truthfully. It wasn't necessarily a happy topic, but he knew it must be said before he brought the boy to Jamie in order to avoid awkwardness later.

Jamie nodded disappointedly, "Aye, I suppose it 'tis to be expected. Willie was barely six when I left Helwater."

"Oh, and by the way, he insists on being called William now." Jamie smiled at this, and John was relieved to see he was not completely disheartened.

Before either of the men could continue the conversation, the door opened with a loud thud. Both Jamie and John rose to their feet as Murtagh Fitzgibbons made his way noisily into the cabin.

John was shocked at seeing the man. After Ardsmuir had closed, Murtagh was sold into indentured servitude. Consequently, seeing him barge into Jamie's abode was a surprise.

"What a reunion indeed!" John said to Murtagh, "Murtagh Fitzgibbons, it is a pleasure to see you again."

Murtagh grunted and acknowledged Jamie instead. "What is he doing here? Do ye not remember who he is?!"

Jamie rolled his eyes and placed a hand on Johns shoulder. He glared at Murtagh and stated that John was a trusted friend and not-so-subtly reminded him that he owed his life to John. John relaxed as Murtagh begrudgingly slumped his shoulders in acknowledgment of the truth.

John cleared his throat. "My son, William, is unaware how we three met. I would hope that we could not inform him of the circumstances."

Murtagh cocked his head slyly, "Aye, we wouldna want him to know he keeps poor company."

End of chapter note: Hello everyone! I am hoping to post daily (although I am sure that there will be fluke late days). Each chapter should be about 1500+ words. The first few chapters are like the beginning of the episode. I am hoping to get to the changed plot by the third or fourth chapter. Feel free to leave idea suggestions in the comments, as well as any notes for me! Thank you for reading :)


	2. Leeches of All Kinds

(AN: Like in the books, I am going to have only Claire's POV be first person.)

Claire's POV

The icy water chilled my hands as I dipped my bucket in. I had gone out to fetch a fresh supply from the river about 15 minutes south of the cabin. Murtagh had accompanied me an had already started his sloshing trek back. I stumbled up the riverbank, my shoes sinking into the mud.

"Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ!" | muttered angrily as | attempted to pull my shoe free from the muck. It released suddenly with a loud squelch and I was hurled into the grass above the bank. Luckily, I had already put down my bucket, so the water remained un-spilled. I wiped my hands off on my apron and regained my composure.

"Somebody come help me this instant! Aghhh!" The child's voice startled me. Was there someone injured nearby? I picked up my bucket and made my way hastily towards the disgruntled groaning.   
The voice belonged to a young boy seated on a stump by the bank of the river. His stockings were pulled down to his ankles and he was staring dumbfoundedly at his pale legs, which were covered in about half a dozen black streaks.

"Don't worry, they're only leeches. They won't do any harm." My attempt at reassurance was unfruitful.

"Please get them off. Now." The boy looked up at me, the disgust for the creatures showing plainly on his familiar face. He looked kind of like-

"Please I am begging you! Get them off!" My thoughts were interrupted.

"If you can help it, it is best to wait until they drop off on their own. It hurts less that way."

The boy paused to think, but quickly decided that no, he needed them off as quickly as possible. I stooped down and started plucking the leeches off of his legs and plopped them into my bucket. They would be useful to have in the house given that Jamie had a knack for getting bruises every time he stepped outside.

The boy’s face was screwed in pain as I plucked the last leech from him. Since he had not wanted to wait for them to have their fill, they had taken small patches of flesh with them. The wounds needed to be properly cleaned to avoid infection.

"I want my father," the boy stated matter-of-factly.

"Where is he?" I questioned. Perhaps I could ask him about tending to the wounds in the cabin.

"He is visiting the Frasers. He told me to wait here." I was surprised by this. I had not known we were expecting visitors.

"Well, my name is Claire Fraser. I'm sure your father is with my husband back at the cabin. Let's go there together, shall we?" The boy nodded his head and we began to walk in the direction of the cabin.

Now the the "crisis" was averted, I began to ponder again why this boy looked so familiar. I knew that I had not met him before, but the tilt of his eyes and the cock of his head... No, I decided, it was merely a coincidence that he resembled Jamie. Many highland men shared similar traits, and perhaps this boy's father was one of them, just not Jamie.

As I mounted the steps to the cabin, I heard the familiar deep laugh of my husband. He must know the boy's father then; Jamie never laughed that way in front of strangers. My hand was on the door handle when I heard the other man's voice. The familiar posh Englishness made me stop dead in my tracks. What in God's name was he doing here. And if he was here- I turned to the boy. Well, crap. There was no turning back now. I pushed open the door.

Lord John was smiling at Jamie, who had clearly just finished telling some amusing tale. In contrast, Murtagh looked as though he wanted to slaughter the Englishman. I had a similar conviction, although I tried my best to hide it.

I cleared my throat lightly and the men turned their attention to me and the boy who, at this point, must have been Willie. Lord John looked at me in surprise, although I could not imagine why he would not expect me to be here. I was Jamie's wife, after all.

"Mistress Fraser, how lovely to see you," John said politely. He turned his attention to Willie. "William, I see you have met our hostess already. Would you please greet our host?" He gestured to Jamie.

"I believe I have not yet been given your name, sir." I could see the flash of sorrow in Jamie's eyes as Willie said this. It made sense that the boy would not recall Jamie, but it was clear that he had still held on to some hope.

"Oh of course, forgive me," Lord John said, "William, this is James Fraser."

"It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mister Fraser," Willie stated.

As the men made small talk, I couldn't help but feel resentment towards Lord John. How on Earth could be possibly think that he could just waltz into our home. Jamie had told me of the advances he had made back at Ardsmuir. I had no problem with his sexuality alone, but the fact that his affections were for my husband made him somewhat of an unwelcome visitor in my eyes. Clearly, however, Jamie did not have the same reservations. In fact, he looked happier than he had been in a while. Perhaps it was just because Willie was here? No, that wasn't it. He was surely glad to see him again, but I could tell that he was quite hurt by Willie's lack of memory. What was making him so goddamn happy?

A couple of hours later

I sat in the shelter with Jamie after cleaning Willie's wounds and having dinner. It had been quite a minefield of a meal, what with the tension between Murtagh and John, as well as my own frustration. But alas, we had made it through. Murtagh had set off back to the town, undoubtedly deterred by John's presence.

Jamie and I were cuddled up on the cot. He was holding me close, but I could tell that his mind was somewhere else.

"You can talk to me Jamie. What is bothering you?"

Jamie looked at me and I could see the sadness in his eyes. "When I showed Willie out to the privy," he started, "he spoke my name, Mackenzie. When he asked me if I was the groom here, though, it was clear he was speaking to a stranger." Jamie averted his gaze from my sympathetic eyes and looked at his hands, which were now folded over mine.

"He just needs to get to know you again, is all. Just give it time." I tried my best to reassure Jamie. It seemed to work well enough. He nodded and planted a kiss on my lips. He smiled at me, his forehead still pressed against mine. I pulled him in for another kiss. I felt him run his hand across my cheek and behind my neck, deepening the connection. He had shaven that  
morning, and his stubble was just barely noticeable as it rubbed against my face. He pulled away for a moment to whisper in my ear.

"I have been dreaming of a moment alone with you for weeks, Sassenach." He kissed my neck. I was aware that John had asked him to join him in a game of chess in the cabin, however, and pulled his face up to mine.

"I believe our guest is waiting for you," I whispered seductively, "but the second they leave, I expect that you will give me your undivided attention."

Jamie sighed in recognition. It was clear that, as much as he enjoyed chess with John, he would much rather be making love to me in the seclusion of the shelter. I found myself slightly pleased by this. Even though John may be leeching at me and Jamie's alone time, he couldn't possibly latch onto Jamie's lust for me. I watched Jamie as he ducked out of the shelter and immediately missed his warmth. I knew that he would be in the cabin for quite some time. All I wanted to do was snuggle up to him and breath in his musky warmth.

As I drifted off to sleep, I thought of how happy Jamie was around John. I suppose that Jamie had yet to make many close friends in North Carolina, so perhaps he was just excited to have someone new around. But even around his family and Murtagh, he was never this happy. I decided not to dwell on it as sleep overcame me. Jamie was mine, and he knew it.


	3. A Little Too Much "Whiskey"

Jamie POV

"Are ye sure ye want to do that?" Jamie put on his best poker face as he questioned John, who had just outsmarted him in their chess game. To Jamie's disappointment, John was aware of his superior strategy. "Damn," Jamie said with a slight smile.

Lord John chuckled lightly and went to pour himself another glass of wine. To his dismay, the men had emptied the bottle. "Damn," he grinned back, raising the bottle from the table. 

Jamie stood up and went to retrieve his soon-to-be whiskey from the shelf. As he moved, he glanced over at the bed where Willie was curled up, sound asleep. Jamie couldn't help but notice that the boy looked a little pale, but he figured he was just tipsy and that his eyes were playing tricks on him. He directed his attention back to his chess partner and poured some of his creation into John's empty glass. "Here, try a wee nip of this."

John leaned over the glass and inhaled, an action that Jamie knew he regretted immediately. The drink was mostly alcohol at this point and had a tendency to clear the sinuses if one got to close. "You're supposed to drink it, John, not savor the scent," Jamie said with a laugh.

John knocked back the drink and immediately sputtered and coughed. "Let me guess," he looked at Jamie through watery eyes, "it is supposed to be whiskey." 

"Aye," Jamie laughed, "maybe in a few years." He poured himself and John another drink, which they both downed quickly in order to avoid the burning.   
"Care to redeem yourself with another game?" John asked. Jamie obliged to this. Although, he had a feeling that with the introduction of his "whiskey", he wouldn't fare much better this time around. As John reset the board, Willie turned in his sleep and coughed lightly. Jamie looked over at him. He still looked pale, but perhaps it was just the moonlight shining on him through the window.

"He's a handsome lad," Jamie remarked. I hadn't meant to say it out loud. John looked up and smiled.

"Yes indeed. He looks more and more like his father with each passing day." Jamie would have normally been taken aback by an indirect compliment like this from John, but the warmth of the whiskey in his stomach kept him from feeling bothered by it. It felt quite nice to hear, actually. He hadn't been able to spend much alone time with Claire lately, and he was feeling a lack of affection. Jamie knew that Claire found him attractive, but he hadn't had proof of it in weeks.

John finished up setting the board and made his first move. Jamie noticed that he had removed his waistcoat, evidently a result of the whiskey's warming effect. His cotton undershirt was backlit by the firelight, exposing the shape of John's lean upper body. 

Jamie shook off the thought. Clearly he had had too much to drink. He and John continued taking their turns and resumed chatting about their lives since they had last seen one-another. As they neared the end of their game (which Jamie was losing, again), John placed his and on Jamie's forearm. To his own surprise, Jamie had no inclination to pull his arm back. John looked Jamie in the eyes.

"Are you content?" He asked plainly. Jamie took a second to think. 

"Aye, I am." Jamie placed his other hand on top of John's which was still resting on his arm. "I have a wife who loves me, a place to call home, and the knowledge that my children are safe and well-cared for."   
Lord John looked at Jamie in surprise. 

"Children? As in multiple?" He pulled his hand back and leaned back in his chair in interest.

Jamie realized his error, but it was too late. "Aye, I havna told ye, I suppose. I have a daughter. She's grown now, living in Boston." It was technically the truth. "I havna met her. Claire raised her on her with another, ye see, when she thought I had died at Culloden." 

Lord John was understandably taken off-guard by this news, but he retained his composure. "What is the young lady's name, if I may ask?"

"Brianna." Upon speaking her name, Jamie could feel a lump begin to form in the back of his throat. With Willie here, he was reminded of what he was missing out on with Bree. He looked at John, but quickly shifted his gaze upon realizing that his vision was blurred by tears. Pull it together, Fraser. You're not going to cry.

Jamie felt John's warm hand place itself gently over his. The unexpected comfort only made it more difficult for Jamie to pull himself together. The tears rolled down his cheeks and he began to sob quietly. He didn't want to wake up Willie.

"Oh, Jamie," John stood up and moved his seat next to him, "I had no idea-"  
Jamie gave into his emotions now and interrupted John. "Th-there was f-Faith too," he sobbed openly, "it's my fault Claire and I lost her before she was ready to leave her mother's womb." 

John placed his hand on Jamie's back and rubbed in small circles. "I can't imagine what you must have been through, Jamie. But I can assure you that it is nobody's fault."

Jamie looked up at John, his face streaked with tears and his eyes burning. "I dinna ken what I did to be undeserving of the Lord's gift of raising a bairn." Jamie sniffled and John offered him a handkerchief. 

"Shh, it's okay. You are an honorable man, James Fraser. Don't you ever forget that. Come now, dry your eyes. I think it is best that you retire. Perhaps you will feel better after sleeping off the whiskey." John smiled at Jamie and reluctantly ceased rubbing his back. Jamie missed the touch immediately. John was right, he did need to sleep off the booze. Not only was he crying in front of John, he was relishing in his gentle touch. The only person who could touch him like that and live to tell the tale was Claire, or so he had thought. 

Jamie rose and went to put on his coat. In his drunkeness, he fumbled with the sleeves. John assisted him, his touch lingering on the Scot's shoulders. They stepped out onto the porch. The cold air slightly sobered up Jamie, and turned to John to say goodbye. To his surprise, he was pulled into a brief yet comforting hug, which he reciprocated. "Thank ye, John. Have a good night," Jamie said genuinely. 

"Goodnight, Jamie." John went back into the cabin, smiling at the Scot as he closed the door. Jamie sighed, turning around to make the short walk to the shelter.

Claire was fast asleep when Jamie opened the door and removed his day clothes. He climbed on to the small cot and wrapped his arms around Claire's sleeping form. The effects of the whiskey made him feel heavy and his eyes drooped sleepily. Claire's warmth reminded him of John's touch back in the cabin. But of course, Jamie thought to himself, Claire was his wife, so it must be different. Before he could spend anymore time dwelling on it, Jamie was asleep.


	4. Separation

Claire's POV

I woke to find Jamie already out of bed, pulling on his breeches. The normally agile highlander was quite clumsily stooped over due to the confines of the shelter. I giggled and he looked up at me, falling over in the process. I tried and failed to stifle my laughter.

"Ye think this is funny, Sassenach? Why don't you try puttin' on your damn breeches whilst you're bent in half wit' you're arse in the air, eh?" I laughed harder at that, making Jamie bend over the bed and tickle me playfully. "Aye, lass, since ye like laughin' so much!"

"Mercy, mercy!" I exclaimed through fits of giggling. Jamie's tickles subsided and he kissed me on the forehead before resuming his task of getting dressed. I began to do the same as I would have to prepare breakfast for Willie and John before their departure. 

We made our way over to the cabin together. Jamie knocked on the door and John opened it almost immediately. 

"Oh, good! You're here," John looked to me, "Willie has a bit of a headache and I was hoping you could give him something to help it subside for our journey."  
]  
"Of course," I said, stepping into the room, "I have just the thing." I reached up to retrieve the blend of dried herbs I used to help headaches. Jamie set the brew to steep while I moved to examine Willie. He looked flushed and his cheeks were red. I placed a hand on his forehead. He was running a high fever.

"John, I don't think you will be going anywhere anytime soon." John looked at me with concern.

"What do you mean? Is he okay?" I opened Willie's mouth to examine his throat, which proved my theory of diagnosis.

"Did you travel through Cross Creek on your way here? There is a measles outbreak there."

John shot me a worried look. "Yes, we did," he said slowly, "Does William have the measles?" I could hear the panic in his voice, although it was clear he was trying to hide it for Willie's sake, if not his own.

I had sympathy for Lord John, knowing all too well what it was like to worry for the health of a loved one. "Yes, he does. Jamie, Murtagh, and I are all immune. Are you?"

John shook his head and ran his hand through his hair, disrupting the neatness. Jamie picked up John's coat and hat and placed a sympathetic hand on the Englishman's shoulder. "I'll take John on a tour of the Ridge while ye care for William. C'mon," Jamie said to John, "it is safer for both of ye for ye to come with me. Claire is an excellent healer, ye can have faith in her."

John glanced longingly at Willie, who had already drifted back into a feverish sleep.

"He will be okay," I said convincingly, although I had my doubts. The measles was a disease that affected everyone differently. "John, if you feel any headache, sore throat, or fever, come back as quickly as you can." John nodded as he shrugged on his coat. He took one last look at Willie and was out the door.

John's POV

John couldn't simply leave a helpless Willie. Although, John supposed, he wasn't helpless- Claire was there. He knew Claire was an honorable, if not a bit stubborn, woman. She couldn't possibly let Willie succumb to the illness out of sheer jealousy, could she? The chance was very slim, but John still wanted to stay to protect his son. Making up his mind, he turned and started back towards the house.

John was stopped abruptly by a comforting, yet firm, grip on his shoulder. Jamie swung the smaller man around, and John could see that the Scot had cocked an eyebrow.  
"And just where d'ye think you're goin'?" Jamie said, knowing full well what John's intentions were.

"I can't leave him alone. I've already lost Isobel, and maybe if I had been there to support her-"  
Jamie cut John off. "It is through no fault of yer own that Isobel passed, John. Claire is the best healer I know. I've seen her pull men out of sickness that was much worse than the measles. Now come wit' me, if ye please."

John sighed. Jamie was right in that there was no use in staying. Especially since he could still catch the disease himself. John looked back at the cabin has he took his mount. He could see Claire through the window, already concocting some sort of healing brew.   
Jamie clicked his tongue and they were off. They rode in silence for a couple of hours until Jamie muttered something about stopping to water the horses and dismounted from the saddle. John followed suit and watched as Jamie unfastened the fishing rod from where it had been secured to the saddle bag.

"Didn't Claire pack us provisions? We cannot possibly need to fish yet." John remarked. John's anxiety was already making it hard for him to sit still in the saddle, let alone stand with a fishing rod for an extended time.

"Aye, she did, but none that are fresh. It's all dried fruit and nuts." Jamie handed John the rod and they made there way upstream to a stiller stretch of the river. They sat side by side on a fallen log at the edge of the riverbank and cast their lines. After about half an hour of continued silence (as well as fruitless fishing) Jamie spoke up.

"You're going to have to talk to me at some point, otherwise this is going to be a long week." Jamie looked over at the still-silent John with a sigh. "Alright then, if we're going to be silent, we might as well be so with dinner in our bellies."

John mumbled something about the hopelessness of catching any fish under his breath, but Jamie didn't seem to hear it. He watched as the Scot made his way a few feet further down the river, proceeding to submerge his hand between two rocks.

John's curiosity won over his desire for silence. "What on Earth are you doing."

"Highlanders know how to catch fish with their bare hands and a tickle." As if to prove his point, Jamie pulled his hand out of the water and, much to John's surprise, it contained a large trout. "Aye, I've still got it! I havna had a reason to do that it a long while." 

Now that they had procured their dinner, the men decided to set up camp for the night. The sky was darkening and the night's chill was beginning to settle in. They were well-stocked with wool blankets, tea, and a large tarp to create a shelter beneath the branches of a tree. Jamie got to work setting up the fire in order to cook the fish. 

Once the fish was on the fire, Jamie joined John under the tarp and offered him whiskey, which John accepted and downed quickly. 

"Talk to me, please. It may help ye to be less troubled."

"Talking about it isn't going to change anything. This is my fault." John looked at the empty cup in his hands. It was refilled for him.

"Where did ye get that notion, John. Tis'na like you're the one who gave the illness to Willie." 

"No," John admitted, "but I am the reason we went through Cross Creek. I wanted to see you- and of course to let you see Willie," John added quickly. 

"I would have done the same thing, if I were in yer position. You're a good friend, John, anybody would go out of their way to make a visit." John was surprised by Jamie's remarks. The Scot certainly wasn't drunk yet, but he made it sound as though he were excited to see John just as much as he was Willie.

"I cannot lose him. I've lost everyone, Jamie. Hector, Isobel..." John had never told Jamie the name of the man whom he had lost at Culloden, but the Scot seemed to understand the reference.

"Ye havna lost me," Jamie said comfortingly, "nor have ye lost Willie. He's a strong lad and Claire is a good healer."

John found himself hung up on the first part of Jamie's remark. Of course he hadn't lost Jamie, but that didn't particularly matter unless…

"Do you care for me, Jamie?" John knew that the question was bold, but he also knew he would not be able to fall asleep that night if it were to remain unanswered.

Jamie blinked at John, but finally answered. "I mean, aye, I s'pose I do. I have revealed to ye my troubles- well, most of 'em anyway- and you have to me. There's a bond to be sure, given that you're raising my son." John was almost inclined to as what type of bond Jamie was referring to, but decided that that would be too far.

The fish was done cooking, and the men ate in silence for a while. Jamie's words still hung in the air. John decided to pick up the conversation again, feeling content and confident with his belly full of fish and whiskey.

"I care for you too, Jamie." This prompted Jamie to look up from his plate. 

"Still? The way ye did at Ardsmuir?"

"Yes." John stated warily. He knew confessing to Jamie was a risk, but with the emotions of the day piled up, he needed to get it off his chest.  
Jamie put down his plate and folded in hands between his knees, avoiding eye contact with John. "I'll have to admit," Jamie started, "I'm...I'm not entirely repulsed by the idea after the past couple of days." 

There is no way that this man isn't drunk. John couldn't believe what he had just heard. A decade ago, Jamie had threatened to murder him over his affections. 

As if Jamie could read John's mind, he stated, "It is not because of you're advances that I rejected you're advances back at Ardsmuir. Well, it was, but not in the way I lead ye to think."

"Well of course, you had Claire to think of. You have always loved her."

"Well, aye, but even after I thought her to be truly gone. There was something else…"


	5. Under a Blade of Grass

Trigger Warning: This chapter discusses Jamie's rape (and book spoiler: John has also been raped. That will be discussed too).

Jamie POV

Jamie wasn't sure if it was just because of the whiskey burning in his belly, but he had implied to John that he reciprocated his feelings, at least in some capacity. Jamie and John had shared correspondence since Ardsmuir, making John one of Jamie's few living friends he could trust. But it wasn't just that Jamie wanted John to know everything, he wanted the Englishman to comfort him as he had the previous night. Jamie, despite being thoroughly confused by these desires, decided to indulge them. He needed it, but Claire hardly ever wanted to discuss these things. "It's all in the past, Jack Randall is dead. Stop thinking about it." That as all she ever said.

Jamie knew that the events that transpired at Wentworth 25 years ago had traumatized Claire as well. Perhaps she had managed to repress it enough to no longer feel the need to discuss it, but Jamie had his own needs. Over the years, the blade of grass he hid under had grown larger, but Jamie still woke up in the night smelling oil of lavender, feeling the searing pain in his hand, and the tearing sensation of forced penetration. 

Jamie's recollection was interrupted by a concerned John. "Jamie, I understand if there is something you do not want to tell me. You are under no obligation to-"

"He raped me."

Jamie felt John tense in surprise beside him, but he quickly relaxed and reached to put a tentative arm around Jamie's shoulders. Jamie flinched slightly, but melted into the touch.

"You need not tell me more if you do not wish to. But if you would like to continue, know that you can say anything to me, even if it is-" John paused, thinking of the correct word, "revealing."

"I offered myself in exchange for Claire's life when she tried to rescue me from prison. I promised I wouldna fight him."

"It's not your fault, Jamie. Look at me." Jamie turned his head. The men's faces were close enough to feel each others' breath. "It is not your fault."

Jamie's eyes pricked with tears. John thumbed one off of Jamie's cheek as it rolled down. 

"John, he-he didna just...rape me."

John seemed slightly confused by this, but his voice remained gentle and reassuring. "What do you mean?" He wiped another stray tear.

"The first time, it was verra forced. It hurt like hell and I could feel the bleedin..." Jamie let out a sob at this, but regained his composure as John rubbed his back gently. "But he healed me after with oil of lavender, for the pain. And then he was gentle. He...made love to me, John. And I-I...I couldna help it-" 

He was unable to control the tears now. It had been so long since he had been able to admit that. He had told Claire once, but was so ashamed by the look on her face that he swore never to remind her. 

John pulled Jamie closer, resting the Scot's head on his chest. He rocked him gently and let Jamie get through the bout of tears, making soft shushing noises into his copper hair. After a few minutes, Jamie settled and sat back up.

"Listen to me, Jamie. What that man did to you is nothing to be ashamed of, do you hear me? Your body's response was natural and had nothing to do with whether or not you were enjoying what he was doing to you."

"You're saying that I didna have to enjoy it to- I didna know that"

"Most people don't," John sighed and looked at the Scot, "Jamie, I want to make it clear that that man did not rape you because he is homosexual. He raped you because he is a bad person. If he was heterosexual, he would have done the same thing to a woman." John paused again, flustered, "What I mean to say is that it was not his personal attractions that made him evil."

Jamie nodded at this. "I ken, John. I used to think that was the case, but my friendship with you has shown me I wasna correct."

John smiled slightly, "Well, I suppose I am glad to hear that you do not think me a monster like that man. Who was that man, if you don't mind telling me, that is?"

Jamie hesitated, but given that his attacker was dead, he figured it would do no harm to speak his name, "Jack Randall."

John looked at Jamie, eyes widening in shock. "Jack Randall?! But he was a Captain! How could they let someone so vile hold such a respected rank?" Jamie merely shrugged at this. He was feeling better. John had been kind and understanding, and that was what Jamie needed.

John's POV

It pained John to his very core to think of Jamie being violated in that way. No wonder Jamie had been so disgusted by John's advances at Ardsmuir. John would have been repulsed too. It took every ounce of John's restraint to not wrap Jamie in his arms and hold him all night, but he did not want to take advantage of the Scot's vulnerability.

"You never truly get over it, do you?" John said quietly, only partially addressing Jamie. Jamie's eyebrows shot up at John's implication. He rested his hand on John's knee.

"When?" Jamie asked simply. 

John sighed. "I haven't told anyone, except Hector. Jamie, if I tell you this, I ask that you don't tell Claire. It's very personal." Jamie nodded sympathetically. "It was before Culloden. Some random soldier, I don't know who he was. I was young then, still a virgin. I never let it get in the way of love though. Hector taught me that."

"Hector sounds like a good man," Jamie said. 

John smiled and squeezed the hand that was resting on his knee. "He was. It took a long time for me to love like that again."

To John's surprise, Jamie did not retreat at this confession. Instead he put a tender hand on the back of John's neck and planted a soft kiss on his forehead. John could feel the blood rush to his cheeks and he couldn't help but smile. James Fraser had just KISSED him. Well, it was on the forehead, but it was still more than any heterosexual Catholic man would ever dare to do. John decided not to question it.

"Thank you for listening to me, John," Jamie whispered as he scooted to his bedroll, "I think I'd best retire."

"Of course, and thank you for lending me your ear as well," -and his lips, John thought. 

The two laid next to each other in their bed rolls. The fire was crackling beside them and John could hear the flow of the river through the trees, lulling him into a content sleep.


	6. A Delicate Subject

Claire's POV

I was becoming increasingly concerned for Willie's health by the hour. His fever was not subsiding in the slightest and his rash was spreading quickly. Despite this, the young Master's spirits were seemingly unaffected. This mostly meant that, like his father, his temper was not hindered by a mere fever, cough. migraine, rash, and sore throat.

I was brewing another medicinal tea after Willie had refused to drink my original concoction, which apparently was to "twiggy" for his taste. The apple really didn't fall far from the tree, I thought as I added the herbs to the kettle. Willie was looking out the window longingly, as if John were going to come up the path any moment. I hoped to not see him for a week- any sooner and it probably would mean that he was showing symptoms himself. I did not need Lord John to be in my house any longer than what was completely necessary.

I hadn't been concerned about John's time with Jamie until I watched them depart the previous morning. John had apparently turned back around, refusing to leave with Jamie, which was to be expected from a concerned single parent. But what I hadn't anticipated was the look on Jamie's face as he convinced John to come with him. It was a face he used on me when he was trying to persuade me to do things which I hoped to God he wasn't planning to do with John.

Although I would never dare confront Jamie about it (I quite liked my head being attached to the rest of my body, thank you very much), every once in a while I got the sense that Jamie felt attraction towards other men. I may have just been over-analyzing him, but there were several occasions where I had caught him staring at the muscular sailors on the docks or being somewhat flirtatious with a shopkeeper. Generally, I had no issue with it. Having lived in the 1960s, I had gotten used to the idea of bisexuality. I knew that I could trust Jamie, even if I picked up on some alternate attraction he harbored. Prior to John's arrival at the Ridge, I had never questioned his faithfulness to me.

But seeing them together activated my spidey-senses (as kids in the future would say). I couldn't help but feel that Jamie was acknowledging his fairly obvious attraction towards Lord John. Had it been towards anyone else, I would not have thought twice about it. But John and Jamie shared connections that Jamie and I did not, such as their time together after Culloden and mutual love for Willie. There was nothing like the love of a child to bring two people together. Plus, Jamie knew John was gay, so he didn't need to hide his attraction for fear of his life. 

"Mistress Fraser. MISTRESS!" 

I snapped out of my train of thought. I turned to Willie, who was pointing at the over-steeped tea in the kettle, which I had absent-mindedly left over the hearth. I had clearly been ringing for quite some time. I hastily poured the tea into a small cup and handed it to Willie. Upon a taste test, it thankfully received full marks from the feverish food critic.

"You seem troubled, Mistress. Are you all right?" Willie seemed surprisingly interested in my well-being, so I figured it would be rude not to indulge him. The only problem was that I had no idea *how*. Obviously, I couldn't just say "Oh, you're papa is a homosexual and my husband might want to have sex with him. Also, you're the bastard son of a former Jacobite."

In lieu of other options, I simply stated that I missed Jamie and was hoping they were safe out in the wilderness. It wasn't a complete lie, of course I wanted them to exercise caution, but I knew Jamie was perfectly capable of surviving for a week in the woods. Willie merely nodded and continued to sip his tea, completely oblivious to the complexities of the situation at hand. 

I decided that it wasn't worth dwelling on. All of this was conjecture. And even if I was right about Jamie's desire to be with John, it didn't mean he would cheat on me. 

But what if Jamie loved him? I couldn't tell if this thought was ludicrous or not. Jamie had rebuffed John before, so why was he giving him bedroom eyes outside before they left? Had his feelings changed, or was I just overthinking? Jamie could never love another, right?

All of these questions clouded my mind. I needed to find a way to distract myself from them, for Willie's sake. He required my undivided attention. I turned back to face the young patient, who had finished his tea and was now dozing. A drink couldn't hurt, right? He was asleep after all. 

I headed to the shelf to locate a bottle of Jamie's immature whiskey, only to find nearly all of it missing. All that was left were the two bottles that were meant to age and one that was already half empty. What in Earth did Jamie need 4 bottles of what was essentially pure alcohol for? Was he trying to liquor up John? Or perhaps he wanted the excuse of being drunk in case he crossed a line with John. Or, I thought more rationally, he is planning to trade with our Cherokee neighbors. 

I shook the thoughts from my mind and took a long swig from the half-empty bottle. Within minutes, I felt my anxiety subside. Willie was in a deep sleep now, and I had not slept much the night before. I slowly succumbed to the heaviness and fell asleep upright in my chair.


	7. An Accidental Voyeur

John POV

John was not at all please to be awake. After the conversation last night, he had been in the midst of a very pleasant dream when the movement of the Scot next to him brought him to reality. He had yet to open his eyes, but he had the distinct feeling that Jamie wasn't laying next to him anymore. A quick pat of the bedroll next to him confirmed his suspicions. John peeked out from under his eyelids to locate his travel companion, only to find that he was alone at the campsite.

"How on Earth did I lose a man that large?" John quietly mumbled to himself as he sat up. As he rose, he noticed a the distinct vertigo that he could a=inly assume was a side effect of the whiskey from the night before. Having no wine to stop the spinning in his head, he settled on fetching some water from the river near their camp. The whiskey had left a nasty taste in his mouth and he felt he might be sick if he wasn't rid of it soon.

John was nearly to the river when he heard a soft melodic humming. He hesitated to call it melodic as it sounded as though it was being hummed by a man who had a severe case of tone-deafness. John creeped slowly to get a look at the source of the sound and had to stifle a gasp when it was revealed through the treelined.

Jamie had taken it upon himself to bathe in the river, which John noted was certainly nearly freezing this time of year. The Scot had also washed his clothes, surprisingly, and they were laying on a sunny rock on the bank of the river. Jamie's hum transformed into a whistle has he ran his fingers through his copper locks. Clearly, he was completely unaware of John's presence. 

John knew he should give Jamie privacy while he bathed, but he couldn't tear his eyes away from the statue of a man before him. Jamie turned his back, revealing the deep scars. John had remembered them exactly from the one time he had seen them at Ardsmuir. He had learned later from a fellow officer, who had attended the first two floggings, that they had been administered by none other than the late Captain Jack Randall. John shuddered thinking about it now after everything Jamie had told him the previous night. 

Jamie began to make his way towards the bank of the river, still blissfully unaware of the voyeur in hidden in the bushes. The water was now shallow enough that John could see *all* of Jamie. He was distinctly v-shaped, and the ripples of his muscular figure were highlighted by the shine of the water on his skin. As John glanced further down Jamie, he felt heat rise to his face, and to other parts of him. He really shouldn't be staring, but he couldn't take his eyes off of the Scot's cock which, like its owner, was quite sizable. John felt his breeches tighten. He had completely forgotten about the taste in his mouth, the thought replaced by fantasies involving the naked man air drying on the riverbank.

John's fantasies were interrupted upon the realization of what he was doing. Jamie had no notion of his presence, and John's breeches felt as though the buttons were going to fly off at any moment. He needed to give Jamie privacy, especially since he would surely head back to the camp soon and John wanted to give the problem between his legs time to mend itself without intervention. John already felt guilty enough after spying on Jamie, he couldn't bring himself to masturbate to him as well. The last thing he wanted was to be caught and make Jamie uncomfortable.

He tiptoed back to the campsite as to prevent making his departure known. He settled back into his bedroll, trying to think of things that would cool the burning sensation in his abdomen. The feeling of bile rising in his throat was certainly doing the trick. John scampered out of his bedroll and into the bushes, where he vomited until he felt like his stomach exit his body were he to heave again. He hadn't had that much to drink the night before, but he was sure that his fish dinner was insufficient in helping him keep down his liquor. 

He continued to dry heave, his throat burning unpleasantly. He jumped as a warm weight pressed onto his back. Jamie rubbed between John's shoulders until the heaving subsided and offered a cup of water.

"Small sips, John. Otherwise you'll just vomit that up too," Jamie chuckled a bit, "I s'pose I should have given ye some bread to eat before we retired for the evening. I reckon it might have saved ye the unpleasantry."

John nodded, "Well, I am feeling quite better now. Thank you for the water." John consciously suppressed the thought of the river where the water came from and what he had just seen in it. John noted that Jamie was now wearing only a fresh undershirt and breeches, his other ones evidently still drying by the river. 

"Where did you go this morning?" John asked as if he didn't already know, "You were gone when I woke up."

Jamie shrugged as he lit the fire, "I hadna had time to properly bathe prior to our departure. I didna want to torture ye by being filthy all week, so I went down to the river."

"Well I appreciate the consideration," John said politely. Jamie was beginning to set up the kettle to boil water for tea. "So where are you going to take me today? A lake, or perhaps the Cherokee Village?" John had no idea what Jamie's 10,000 acres of land had in store for him.

"Well, I do have a place in mind. Plus I thought we could set some snares to catch our dinner."

"That sound's like a lovely plan, although I will say that I haven't the slightest idea how one sets a snare," John admitted, blushing slightly.

Jamie smiled up at him and handed him some tea. "Well, I guess I'll just have to teach ye then."


	8. The Risk of a Broken Heart

Jamie Pov

John hadn't been lying when he said he had no knowledge about how to set snares. 

"How to I tie the slipped knot again?" John had been stuck on this step for a ten minutes now. Jamie was beginning to become impatient.

"It's a *slip* knot, John. Present tense."

"Ah, so when the animal is snared it becomes a slipped knot?" John smiled. Clearly, he was enjoying testing Jamie's patience. The fact that the Englishman was technically right made Jamie sigh and pinch the bridge of his nose.

"Let me show you again." Jamie stooped down next to John and tied the knot slowly, carefully explaining each step. After confirming that John understood, he undid the knot for John to attempt to re-tie. 

"I understand the whole 'teach a man to fish' mentality is highly regarded amongst highlanders," John said matter-of-factly, "but if you didn't untie the damn thing every time, we would have a dozen snares set by now."

"Ye think I dinna ken that?" Jamie crossed his arms and jerked his head towards the string on the ground. "Again. And do it right this time or-"

"Or what?" John grinned coyly at Jamie, "Please, indulge me."

"You'll starve." Jamie said flatly.

"You seem frustrated, perhaps we should get some food in you. Oh, wait..." John was clearly enjoying torturing Jamie. The Scot couldn't tell if he was just being playful, or if he just didn't want to tie the knot. Jamie stared at John, unamused. "Fine, fine. I'll try again." John re-attempted the knot.

"AYE that's it! Thank the Heavens." Jamie felt a sudden catharsis as he looked at the loop on the ground.

"You see, I'm not completely inept," John said as he placed the bait in the loop.

"Now, here is some string and a knife. I'm going to go set a couple more a hundred yards away or so." John nodded and Jamie headed to where he had remembered another rabbit trail just West of where he and John had began setting the snares. Jamie worked for about 20 minutes, scouting good spots and tying the small knots. He hadn't had a chance to set up snares like this since he had been gifted his land. All of the traps he used near the cabin were more permanent structures that needed only to be checked and reset. The art of setting a good snare took time and patience.

"Gah! Bloody hell!" Jamie snapped out of his focus and ran back to where he had left John. The Englishman was clutching the palm of his hand and Jamie could see that there was blood dripping out steadily. 

"Dinna fash, John. Let me see." Jamie reached for the injured and and slowly unfolded it. Sure enough, there was a sizable gash on the palm. "You'll need stitches. I have done them on meself before. Come along back to the horses. I have the supplies in the saddle bag."

Once the needle, gauze, thread, and alcohol were procured, Jamie guided John to sit on a blanket he had laid out on the ground. He took a cloth and pressed it into John's wound to stop the bleeding. As he held it there, he looked up to assess John. The man's face was slightly pale, but he didn't seem terribly uncomfortable. John had seen far worse than a clean cut. There was a troubled look in his eyes though.

"What's troubling ye, John? Because I know it's not the cut on yer hand." 

John met Jamie's gaze hesitantly. "I'm not quite sure. I just feel so useless right now. I can't even set a goddamn trap without needing you to heal me." 

Jamie poured some of the whiskey onto the cut, causing John to flinch. "Och, sorry. Shoulda warned ye," Jamie paused, "John, ye know you are not useless, especially to me. You're raising my son, for Christ's sake." Jamie could tell that this went beyond the snare incident. 

"I can't even do that on my own. Willie is extremely ill and I'm out here galivanting through the woods. I was actually *enjoying* myself while Willie is sick in bed." Jamie could see that John's eyes were tearing up.

"What good would you be to Willie if you were to stay with him and die of the measles. He is a strong lad. And as for enjoying yerself, I have never known ye as one to sulk. It isna in yer nature, John." 

Jamie was now applying the stitches. John's hands were soft, but they had strength to them. Jamie found himself speaking his thoughts out loud.

"Claire used to tell me that it is hardest to do surgery on the hands. She says that they're the most intimate part of the body. I s'pose she's right, in a way."

John tilted his head in thought. "I never thought of it that way, but it makes sense. Hands have the power to carry out a person's desires. You never know what someone has done with their hands. Delivered a baby, written a novel, taken a life..." John paused, "My hands have done a myriad of things that the general person giving me a handshake would find unsavory."

"Mine as well," Jamie remarked, "Although, if I ken your meaning, not the same things." 

John chuckled, "No, I would assume not," John thought for a second and inquired, "Have you ever thought about it?"

Jamie was surprised by the bluntness of the question. He knew why John was asking though- Jamie's behavior the previous night was still fresh in both their minds. 

"I dinna s'pose I ever got the chance. I was married to Claire before I even knew hardly anything about sex- save for the basics. I didna think two men could...well, ye know. And soon after, Jack Randall made me unable to think of it without feeling shame." John nodded, understanding. "But what ye said, about rape not preventing ye from loving someone, I have been thinking about that."

John's hand was stitched and bandaged at this point, but Jamie still held it in his hand as he spoke. "But I dinna ken if I can betray Claire by exploring my," Jamie took a breath and looked up at John, "desires."

John's breath hitched, but he didn't say anything.

"But I dinna want to resent her, either. I have unanswered questions about myself. I deserve to have them answered, don't I?"

John finally spoke up, placing his un-injured hand over Jamie's. "You need to live truly, Jamie."

Jamie realized then just how close he was to John. He could see the different shades of blue swimming in John's irises and the delicate curl of his long lashes. He noticed his own heartbeat prominently in his chest. As he looked deep into John's affectionate gaze, all thoughts of Claire melted away for the moment. They were inches apart. All Jamie had to do was close the gap. 

As he leaned in, Jamie's lips brushed lightly against John's. They were as soft and warm, but certainly different than a woman's. Jamie placed a hand on John's cheek and beckoned him closer. Their lips pressed together, only for a couple seconds. The Scot could feel his heart leap as John's breath hitched at the contact. Jamie pulled away slowly and took in John's expression. His cheeks were pink and his lips lightly parted. And his blue eyes showed a mixture of bliss and shock. 

"Apparently," Jamie started breathlessly, "I had no idea what I was missing."

Jamie pulled John's face to his and kissed him deeply. He took his time, savoring the soft strength of John's lips. Jamie wrapped his arms around John, one hand running through the hair on the back of John's head, the other firmly placed on the small of his back. John placed his un-injured hand on the back of Jamie's neck, deepening the kiss further. Jamie inhaled though his nose as the warmth in his chest moved up through to his throat and down his abdomen. He moaned slightly into John's parted lips.

To Jamie's surprise, John was the one who pulled away. "Jamie, -shit."

"I didna mean to do that so- I dinna ken. I mean to say that I enjoyed it more than I expected." 

"I enjoyed it too, of course. But Jamie," John's expression of bliss shifted to a slight concern, "you know how I feel about you. I can't just be an experiment. Don't kiss me like that unless you mean it."

Jamie put a hand on John's cheek. "John, I care for ye. That is the truth of it. After what I felt just now, that much is clear. But I do love Claire, too."

John nodded knowingly. Obviously, Jamie couldn't just abandon his wife. "Maybe she will be understanding. She is an empathetic person."

"Aye," Jamie chuckled, "but she is also almost as stubborn as I am. I canna promise ye anything John."

"You could promise me this week. I'm willing to risk my heart." 

"Me too." Jamie reached for John's hand, "We should probably check the snares, aye?"


	9. Secrets of the Past

Claire POV

The candlelight flickered over the parchment as I logged the treatments she had administered to Willie that day. The book-keeping was important not just to note what the patient responded best to, but also to keep track of my stock. But the best part was that it kept my mind occupied while Willie slept. My anxieties about Jamie were easier to keep at bay when I was being productive.

As I filed the day's file, I noticed that the stack of parchment that I kept on-hand by the medicine shelf was running quite low. Generally, Jamie would replenish it whenever he purchased new parchment for his own use. He kept the rest tucked away in the cabinet where he kept his extra quills and ink. Having few letters to write myself, I rarely went in there. 

I stooped down to open the small cabinet. Holding my candle near the opening, I spotted the stack of parchment. As I reached in, the light of the candle revealed a small wooden box seemingly hidden all the way in the back. I recognized it from when Jamie and I had been living in Paris. It was where he kept letters he had received from family and friends. He had never hidden it away like this before though, so I was perplexed as to why it was tucked so far into the cupboard.

"Claire Fraser," I whispered to myself, "you will not violate Jamie's privacy by snooping." I went to stand up, but a sudden worry brought me back down to the floor. Clearly, Jamie was hiding letters, and I would have known about them if he was hiding them from someone other than me. I knew he would be mad if he ever found out I went through his things, but the feeling in my gut told me that I would regret not doing it. 

I reached to the back of the cupboard, making sure not to knock over my candle. All of the contents of the cupboard were dusty, but the box was significantly less so. Jamie must have taken it out recently.

I opened it slowly, not knowing what to expect. As I rifled through the letters, I soon came to realize that each one was from Lord John. Why on Earth would Jamie keep these a secret? My anxieties from earlier quickly resurfaced as I read through the topmost letter.

"My dearest Jamie,

I am pleased to hear from you again, my friend. The description of your new home in your previous letter sounds lovely. I hope to get the chance to see it for myself someday.

In response to your inquiry about my experience thus far in Jamaica, I am pleased to inform you that, upon Isobel and William's arrival, my tenure as Governor will be over. I just received notice this morning that they have found a replacement for me. Apparently, I am too valuable to the crown to be sent to an island. I am supposed to return to London in the coming month as Willie is set to school there. Surely, there will be a position more suitable for someone with my experience when I get there. As lovely as Jamaica is, I do not think I can stand to live in this heat for much longer. "

The rest of the letter went on in a similar fashion. Clearly, John's plans had changed since he had written it. He simply updated Jamie on his goings-on and inquired as to the happenings at the Ridge. So why did Jamie want to hide all of John's letters from me if the contents was innocent. 

It dawned upon me that perhaps Jamie felt the need to hide that he was speaking regularly with John in the first place. But it wasn't as if I didn't know of their friendship. Clearly, Jamie's reason for hiding the letters had more to do with himself than me. Was he guilty of corresponding with John? He was treating these letters as if they were coming from a mistress-

But perhaps they were coming from a mistress of sorts. It was improbable that Jamie had expressed any affections towards John given the innocent nature of the letters. But perhaps it was more of a crush? Images of a schoolgirl stowing away notes from a classmate in her locker to be read again later flashed in my mind. 

I was surprised that my initial reaction wasn't one of betrayal or anger. I actually found the idea of Jamie having a crush to be kind of humorous. The contents of the letters gave no indication that John had any notion of these feelings, assuming my suspicions were correct. No wonder Jamie had been so happy to see John. Unless John became apprised of these feelings, I saw no harm in it. 

It did hurt that Jamie had felt the need to hide this from me. I understood why- I had never been very keen on John's presence in Jamie's life- but I had made my husband feel as though there was something he had to hide from me. 

I carefully refilled the box and placed it back in its hiding place. I was starting to feel more uneasy about Jamie being alone with John. If my suspicions were correct, I had no idea how Jamie would handle his feelings. I had never had to deal with a situation like this before. I was torn between jealousy and worrying about how I possibly allowed for Jamie to develop this affection. Was I not giving him enough attention? Or was it just that he was curious and John was the only gay person Jamie knew? Or, did he love John because he was the parent of his son? These questions continued to swirl in my head. I set myself to work organizing the herbs that I had removed from the shelves since Willie fell ill. There was no point in worrying over this until Jamie got back. There was nothing I could do until then.


	10. The Vista

John's POV

John hadn't slept very well for a multitude of reasons. For one, he was feeling guilty about kissing a married man yesterday afternoon. On the other hand, that fact that that man had been James Fraser had him bursting out of my skin all night long. A third, albeit less consequential reason was that the man laying next to him couldn't seem to keep still either. It was clear he was having some sort of nightmare. Usually, Jamie slept like the dead- save for the occasional smile that would appear on his face. 

John distinctly remembered the first time he saw him smile in his slumber like that. It was at Helwater. John had come to visit him, as per his quarterly duty, and had found him lying in a pile of hay in the stables. Jamie’s fellow groomsmen assured John that he was granted the day off due to illness and was not sleeping on the job. His entire body was still as a stone, but the corners of his pink lips would curl up ever so slightly.

Jamie had made John some tea to wake him up for the day's travel. They had planned to go the previous afternoon, but after the kiss they had been too distracted by each other's company to push forward in our journey. Consequently, he had woken John up well before dawn in order to make up for the time. 

The evening had been innocent. They checked the snares and cooked the rabbits they had caught, all the while discussing topics that had never come up in our general conversations. Jamie told John about his family and his sister, Jenny. He told him about Lallybroch and the antics he would get into as a young boy. His father certainly had his hands full, John thought. Jamie's stories were a distraction from the guilt that clawed at John’s insides. John could only assume they served a similar purpose for Jamie. 

John loved him, truly. But the thought of allowing him to betray his wife was unbearable. He wanted Jamie to be happy and losing Claire would have the opposite effect. Despite this, he couldn't bring himself to let Jamie go. He was choosing to do this. As someone who loved him, was it John’s duty to prevent Jamie from making this mistake, or to let him explore his feelings?

John’s inner turmoil was interrupted by a top on his shoulder. Jamie handed John his coat.

"We should get riding. I would like to get there before first light."

"Whatever for?" Despite his confusion, John gulped down the rest of his tea hastily.

"Stop asking so many questions. I'm yer tour guide, so if I say we need to be there before first light, dinna ask why." Jamie smiled as he took his mount. 

They rode for about an hour, arriving at their destination just before dawn. They had stopped in what appeared to be just a random spot in the woods, which John found quite perplexing. He turned to Jamie, who was fishing some dried apples from the saddle bag.

“Would ye like a wee bit? We didna have time for breakfast.” Jamie offered the sack of fruit to John, who accepted the offer. 

“Where are we?” John asked tentatively. Jamie had asked him not to ask questions, but the suspense was killing him.

“You’ll see.” Jamie laced John’s arm through his own and guided him about a hundred paces to the East. There was enough light in the sky now to make out the thinning tree line as they approached what appeared to be a cliff. “Just sit and watch.”

John lowered himself into the dewey grass. He could see the silhouette of mountains in the distance, so he assumed there was a valley below. It was still too dark to tell. Jamie wrapped an arm over John’s shoulders and pulled him close. He leaned comfortably into Jamie’s side and rested his head on the Scot’s shoulder. 

Within a couple of minutes, John could see the sun begin to peak through a space between two mountains. The sky was beginning to turn purple. 

“This was the first place I took Claire when we first received the land,” Jamie noted, “Ye canna visit the Ridge without seeing it as the sun rises.”

As the sun made it’s slow ascent, John could begin to make out the vista before him. There was a beautiful mountain range and a magnificent waterfall fell into a river that cut through the valley. The sky was a brilliant ombre of pink and orange. It was the most beautiful thing John had seen. He was speechless. He was startled by the sudden voice of Jamie.

“John, I dinna wish to ruin the moment, but-” he hesitated.

“You can tell me anything, Jamie.”

“I ken that. I just need to say something about yesterday.”

John nodded his head, signalling Jamie to continue. He could feel his heart pounding.

“I care for ye, more than I have anybody aside from my wife.” Jamie paused again. John had no idea where Jamie was going with this, but he listened intently. “I canna betray her more than I already have. I do care for ye John. Hell, I may even love ye. I enjoy kissing ye and holding ye close to me. I share all my secrets with ye. But it isna fair to Claire. I canna be with ye without her approval.”

John felt as though a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. As much as it pained him to not have Jamie all to himself, he was glad Jamie was taking the action that would leave him the least hurt in the end. He smiled at Jamie.

Jamie was surprised by this reaction, “I thought ye’d hate me for this John. I led you on. Why in the devil are you happy?”

“I’m happy because I want you to be happy. As much as I love you, Jamie Fraser, I couldn’t let you do something that you would regret. I don’t want to be a mistake to you. If we are ever together like that, I want it to be without regret.” As much as it pained John to see the potential for intimacy with Jamie slipping away, he knew it was the only chance they had of remaining in each other’s lives. Claire could be persuaded to forgive Jamie for kissing John behind her back, but certainly not for bedding him. 

Jamie kissed John lightly on the temple. “Thank ye for understanding. I dinna ken if I could handle losing ye.”

They watched the rest of the sunrise in a peaceful quiet, relishing in each other’s embrace. John didn’t want it to end for fear of it never starting again. He breathed in Jamie’s warm scent and sighed, wrapping his arms around the Scot’s midsection. John could feel the rise and fall of Jamie’s abdomen as he breathed. Jamie spoke again suddenly, but his voice was quiet and reassuring.

“If all goes well, I will be with ye someday. I love you, John.” John felt a tear roll down his cheek out of Jamie’s view. He hoped the Scot was right.


	11. Chapter 11

***TW: Flashback to Jamie's rape in the beginning of this chapter. It will end at the "***" Continues to be discussed until "***" appears again.

Jamie's POV

The oil released a pungent perfume of lavender as the rough hands spread it over Jamie's back, tracing the multitude of scars that they had left there years before. Jamie's breathing quickened as they made there way downward, massaging just above the curve of his buttocks. 

"Shhh... just relax and enjoy yourself. I'm Claire, remember?"

Claire. Jamie closed his eyes and imagined his wife's face. Her inviting smile and kind eyes framed by a mass of raven curls. They brushed against Jamie's face. "Claire?" 

"Yes, it's me," said the deep voice behind him. Jamie was disoriented, but the sharp feeling of oil being applied inside of him was enough to pull him briefly into reality.

"No...please," Jamie begged helplessly, cradling his damaged hand. Tears continued to roll down his face, only to be brushed off by lavender scented hands.

"It's okay Jamie. This is going to feel good, I promise." The fingers were replaced and the man started to groan.

It did feel good, but Jamie was not relieved. The pain in his heart mixed with the pleasurable heat in his stomach. He tried to picture his wife's face, but it was morphed with that of the man behind him. Jamie just wanted it to be over. Knowing there was only one way, he gave into the touch of the sick man behind him as he sobbed.

***

The gentle touch on Jamie's shoulder stirred him from sleep, but the disorientation was still in full force. He threw a punch towards the man beside him, connecting squarely to his nose.

"Agh- shit, Jamie. It's just me. You're safe. And for the love of Christ, please stop swinging at me." John was dodging Jamie's helpless attacks, eventually taking hold of the disoriented man's arms. "Jamie, look at me damnit, look at me! It's John."

In an instant, Jack Randall's face shifted into focus, revealing that of Jamie's friend. John's nose was bleeding, but remained intact. He was looking at Jamie worriedly.

"John? Christ, I thought you were-" Jamie couldn't speak the man's name in this moment.

"I figured. You were sobbing and mumbling 'no' in your sleep. In hindsight, touching you to wake you up wasn't the smartest idea." John tentatively reached out to Jamie, who gave a small nod indicating it was okay for John to touch him. The Englishman wrapped Jamie in a one-armed embrace and reached for his handkerchief, carefully dabbling at his nose. 

"I can still smell it, the lavender."

"That's the part that generally lingers afterwards," John said, "For me, it's body odor and whiskey."

The lavender scent was slowly dissipating, replaced by the spiced aroma of John's shaving soap. 

***  
"Did ye shave? Whatever you used, it smells nice." Jamie looked up and planted a kiss on John's jaw. The Englishman chuckled lightly.

"Well, I only got about half-way through before you started stirring about." John turned his head to reveal the remaining stubble, which was covered in a thin film of dried shaving soap. Jamie couldn't help but smile at his companion's disheveled appearance. 

"Let me help ye finish then, we canna have ye meet the Cherokee looking like that." 

John raised his eyebrows, "Well, I suppose not. I will say, I've never visited an Indian village before."

"Well, there's a first time for everything," Jamie replied as he gently rubbed a damp cloth over John's face, removing the dried soap. Jamie was sitting upright now cradling John's head in his lap in order to get the best angle to shave him. There was still some drying blood on his skin, so he wiped that away too. "Sorry about your nose. I'm glad I didna break it. You're a handsome man, it woulda been a shame if it were to heal crooked."

John grinned, "All is forgiven, my friend. And yes that would have been quite unfortunate." 

Jamie was applying fresh soap now. In the process, he massaged John's gently, inducing a relaxed sigh. Employing the razor, Jamie carefully navigated around the curves of John's face. The hair was quite fine, only requiring a few swipes before the skin was completely hairless. The Englishman's eyes were closed as he relished in the pampering. Jamie brushed a thumb over John's soft lips and bent down to place a loving kiss on them.

"All done." John sat up and looked at Jamie as he wiped off the excess soap. 

"I thought you said- yesterday at the cliff-"

"Aye, I did. And I still intend to honor my word. But it isna like I havna already kissed ye," Jamie smiled and cocked a brow, "I just dinna want to go any further just yet. Not until I speak with Claire." 

"That sounds reasonable enough," John reached out and pulled Jamie into a hug, carefully resting his face into the crook of the man's neck as to not hurt is nose. Jamie rubbed the smaller man's back.

"C'mon, mo leannan, let's get going," he gave John one last squeeze and stood up, offering his hand to help John. 

"What does that mean, mo lean-lea-"

"Mo leannan," Jamie grinned sweelty at John, "It means my sweetheart."

John blushed, "I like that. Do you use it with Claire?"

"Sometimes, but I have other names for her. Mo leannan is for you now." Jamie kissed John's forehead, "Now let's be off. We dinna want to keep the Cherokee waiting."


	12. The Worst That Could Happen

Claire POV

Willie had had a rough night. His fever was steady up until morning and he spent the entire night with a migraine. On the plus side, his fever had broken. My gut was telling me that he had made it through the worst of the illness. I had learned to trust my gut as a surgeon, but even when I knew I was right, I always prepared for the worst. Consequently, I already had brewed a fresh cup of fever-reducing tea for Willie to drink in order to get a jump on the unlikely circumstance of a second flare-up. 

With Willie feeling quite better, my thoughts once again focused on Jamie and John. My gut had been warning me about them too lately. I had come to the realization that, if I was correct in my assertion that Jamie had been harboring feelings for a long time, then they were likely more than just an innocent crush. The question now was whether or not I thought my husband would divulge his feelings to John. I knew that if he did, then there would be a reason for it. Jamie never did anything without calculating the risk, which in this scenario was making me hate him. 

Despite my theory, I knew that regardless of what was true, Jamie loved me first and foremost. He wouldn't do anything that would make me hate him beyond eventual forgiveness. I felt as though he knew me well enough to know where that line was. The problem was, I had no idea where it was. If I wanted to prepare for the worst, I would have to figure out what my limits were.

Bree had had a friend back when she was in high school. I never met him, but I was privy to all of the gossip. That is, she would tell Frank and he would tell me. She was quite the daddy's girl. Her friend, his name started with a J? I couldn't remember. But he had this girlfriend. No wait- her name started with a J- Jessica? Jenny? There was no use hanging myself up on the little details. But he told her he was curious about a boy-I distinctly remembered that his name was Gavin- and he asked her if he could take him out. According to Brianna, the fact that the boy had asked his girlfriend first made all the difference. She said she didn't mind as long as he continued to prioritize her and apprised her of everything. She even got along with Gavin.

I pondered the anecdote as I drank my morning tea. The idea of Jamie experimenting wasn't completely off the table for me. I supposed that I had had a hunch that he was curious for a while and had simply gotten used to the concept. And having lived in a time where bisexuality was something people were open about, and also in a time where a husband having a mistress was fairly common, I found myself more flexible than I anticipated. But I was his wife, and he couldn't forget that for a second.

So the questions of my boundaries really boiled down to three things. One- If Jamie made any advances towards John during their week away, he would not have told me first. I wasn't sure how I would react if he told me something happened, so that was an unknown until we had to cross that bridge. Two- If I okayed some sort of pseudo-partnership between him and someone else, would I want details? No, probably not. But I would have rules. And three- John. I really had nothing against John outside of his feelings for Jamie. But there was something about him that made me hate the idea of him and Jamie being close, much like how I had felt about Laoghaire. So again, that was an unknown. 

There was no use in dwelling on it any longer. Whatever my gut was telling me Jamie was up to, there was no stopping it for now. He wouldn't do anything unforgivable, so what was the point in worrying? And after thinking about my own boundaries, I knew that as as long as he was honest, we could probably strike some sort of agreement...hopefully. 

But part of me was angry. The fact that this could even happen made me want to slap Jamie across the face. Why did he have to fall for that Englishman's charm? I knew he knew that I was enough for him. He was being greedy by wanting more. But again, I had no control over his feelings. That bloody bastard.


	13. Battle of Two Wolves

Jamie POV

The pair arrived in the village just before noon. During the journey to the location, Jamie had informed John of some basic Cherokee terms and signs of respect, as well as told some stories about his relationship with the local tribe.

"They call me Bear-Killer," Jamie had explained, "It is the name they gave me when they deemed me trustworthy." John had be intrigued by Jamie's knowledge of the tribe. Having only just come to the backcountry, he had not yet encountered any Indians. 

Upon greeting the familiar faces of the tribe, Jamie got right to business with his trading. John was more of an observer, although he seemed to be relaxed and unafraid. Jamie was relieved- he had met many an Englishman who saw the Indians as savages, even more so than they had the Highlanders before Culloden. Jamie remembered what Claire had told him about the fate of the Indians, or "Native Americans" as she referred to them. It made sense given the Crown's tendency to take what it wanted with seemingly no concern. The hostility towards the tribes was growing each day. 

Once the trading was complete-a few bottles of whiskey for a couple of furs needed for the coming winter- a few members of the tribe invited the pair to join them more a midday meal. They sat around a large fire and were served a stew of some sort. To Jamie's surprise, John was the first to start off the conversation

"My comrade here tells me that you call him "Bear-Killer. It must have a meaning, does it not?" There was a pause for the translator to interpret John's question and receive and answer."

"A member of our tribe would dress as a bear and hunt people in the night. It was dangerous because it could potentially make the white men seek vengeance were he to kill anyone outside of the tribe. He ran away and your husband found and killed him. We are very grateful to him."

Jamie looked up from his stew. "Well, I am glad to aid a neighbor. Although I dinna ken what could compel a man to act in such a way." There was another pause for interpretation. Jamie took the time to take a bite of his stew. He had no idea what it's contents were, but it tasted amazing. He looked over and noticed that John seemed to be enjoying it to. The translator spoke up again.

"The Cherokee believe that there are two wolves living in the soul of every man. One is driven by harmful things: greed, violence, ignorance. The other is driven by goodness: love, nature, compassion. Only one wolf can control the soul, and that is the wolf that the soul-bearer chooses to feed. We believe that the Bear only fed the bad wolf until his soul became that of a wild beast."

Jamie considered this belief. Although the idea of wolves inside of every man sounded absurd to him, the Cherokee were right in a way. A man is defined by his actions. But what about good men who do bad things? Jamie posed this question to the translator.

"It is true that a good man can do bad things. They can be selfish. They can do harm. But the thing that separates them from the bad men is that they acknowledge their wrong-doings and make them right. The bad wolf will starve if you take away it's food."

Jamie nodded, ending that particular topic of conversation. He excused himself from the group and made his way towards the woods. He could feel the guilt clawing at his insides. A sudden voice spoke up behind him.

"Guilt is the feeling we get when our good wolf his trying to take the food we give to the bad wolf." Jamie turned around to see a young woman. He recognized her as the daughter of the village's healer.

"How could ye tell?" Jamie generally was good at disguising his emotions.

"It is clear when someone is hiding something," the girl said, "you are a good man, but there was doubt in your eyes when you asked about the wolves."

"I dinna feel like a good man. I'm uh-" Jamie wasn't sure if he should inform the girl of his actions, "I have broken a vow to someone I love. But it was because I love another as well."

The girl tilted her hand and nodded, placing a gentle and on Jamie's arm, "Honesty is the best way to nourish goodness in the soul." She turned around and made her way back to the group. 

She was right, Jamie knew that. He had thought before that he would tell Claire just to relieve the clawing feeling in his stomach. But that was just feeding more into his own selfishness. He needed to tell Claire to do right by her, no matter what the consequences would be for complete transparency. Even if it meant losing John. He would tell her everything for her sake, not for his own. Jamie would put his fate into her hands and her hands alone. 

He looked over at John, who was enjoying another serving of stew and laughing pleasantly. This was going to be really fucking hard.

(A/N: The Cherokee beliefs incorporated in this story are real. I did research, so if anyone is offended by my portrayal of their beliefs, just know that they are actually true. I did not make them up. Also, I refer to the Native Americans as Indians because that is how Jamie would have referred to them in that time. It is not the proper term. For anybody who is wondering; Native American, American Indian, and Indigenous person are all current PC terms approved by indigenous people in America.)


	14. A/N :)

This chapter is just a quick A/N. 

1) I am glad to see that you guys are frustrated with Jamie in the piece and are sympathizing with Claire. That was the tension I was hoping to convey. I see that some of you are advocating for a realistic ending (Claire forcing Jamie to leave John permanently, leaving him, etc.) Others of you are leaning towards the happier, yet certainly more unrealistic ending that I have kind of been setting up. This was started as a light-hearted fic and, after spending time with it, it has become pretty heavy. But I want to follow through the way I intended. I would be happy to continue discussing what would have realistically happened were this to occur in the books/show down in the comments :) I enjoy learning from you and discussing my work with you guys!

2) I am going to post the first chapter of my next Outlander fic tomorrow. Don't worry, I will still be updating this one too. But I would love feedback on that one too. The working title is "A Brave New World." The premise is that, lured by Claire's discussion of gay rights in 1968, John discovers he can travel through he stones and decides to meet up with Roger, Bree, and Jemmy in 1977. It's all an exploration of John's new, yet still limited, liberties as well as love past Jamie. It also has plenty of Roger and Bree family fluff :) So yeah, I will be posting one or two chapters tomorrow :)


	15. A/N #2

Hi all!

I thought I would just let you all know that the first chapter of my new story "A New Frontier" is posted (yay)! I would be sooo happy if y'all gave it some love. I am very excited about it. 

And again, stay tuned for the next chapter of Blood of my Blood later tonight/tomorrow morning!

<3


	16. The Reckoning

John POV

The ride back from the village was tense. John could tell that Jamie was nervous about confronting Claire. Hell, he was too. What if she assumed that John had seduced him? He cringed at the thought. 

They were only a couple minutes out from the house now. John's heart was racing, and not just because of Claire. Willie was in there, but John had no idea if he was okay. If Willie hadn't made it-John couldn't even bear the thought. 

Claire was standing on the porch with her hands on her hips when they rode up. She looked stiff and worry-filled, but not grief-stricken as if she had lost a patient. 

"He's okay," John signed in relief and made his way to the door, "Not so fast, John." Claire stopped him in his tracks and turned him around roughly. She stared into his face and John found it hard to meet her gaze. She was searching for something in his expression, and she found it almost immediatly. With a jolt, Claire pushed past John and beelined towards Jamie, smacking him in the face before he could get a word out.

"You son of a bitch! John," she turned to him, "go inside and see your son. I need a moment to speak with my husband. Alone." John didn't hesitate and rushed into the cabin. Willie was sitting up in bed, but sprang out into John's arms. He breathed in his son's warmth. John forgot about the hell that was about to ensue outside. The boy in his arms was all that mattered.

"I missed you, Papa." John pulled away and looked at Willie's tear-streaked face.

"I missed you too, son."

.................................................................

Claire POV

"You. Fucking. Bastard!" I punctuated my words with not-so-gentle punches to Jamie's chest. He stood there taking it. Good, at least he knew he deserved it. 

"Claire-"

"No, you don't get to talk yet. It's my turn until I say so." I pushed him and he stumbled slightly. There were tears in his eyes, but I honestly couldn't care less how he was feeling at the moment. I was too angry.

"You're wondering how I found out, aren't you?" He nodded, "Well, you arsehole, I found your little stash of letters. And I thought to myself, 'Why would my loving husband hide this from me.' And then I fucking realized that the *only* reason you would hide correspondence from a close friend like that would be if you had feelings for them. That's when the rest of the picture came to light." 

"I'm sorry, Sassenach-"

"Don't you dare call me that right now! I that all you have to say to me, you bastard? Is that your only defense for fucking another person?"

"I didna make love to him, Claire!"

I froze. They hadn't had sex, but Jamie had used that phrase for a reason.

"Make...love?" I couldn't tell if that made things better or worse. It made more sense why he would be unfaithful but- it hurt like hell. "Am I not enough for you?" I was crying now. Jamie reached reflexively to comfort me, but I stepped back. 

"Claire, you are the great love of my life. The way I love John, it- it's just different. Not more or less. Just different."

"Do you fucking hear yourself, Jamie! That's not an excuse for hiding this from me."

"And how was I supposed to tell ye?!" He was getting frustrated now, "Do ye really think that ye would have been okay with me having feelings for John?" He was right, I would have been furious then too. 

"But it would have been different. You wouldn't have done anything wrong. You can't help who you feel for, but you can control how you handle it. I could have helped you, Jamie."

"I didna want your help."

There it was. The truth that behind his idiotic behavior.

"In that case, I return to my original question. Am I not enough for you? If you felt the need to explore this- whatever the fuck it is- with John, I don't see how I possibly can be."

"I- I dinna ken. You are my heart and soul, Claire. But the thought of losing John pains me to my core. I canna lose either of you. I know it's selfish and, Christ Claire, I wish I felt differently. But that's the truth of it. I dinna want to lie to ye and tell ye I can toss him to the side when I am incapable of it."

"So you want him to be your paramour?" He looked at the ground. 

"I s'pose that is what I desire in a way. I want to be with you, Claire. You're my wife. But I dinna think I can stop loving John."

"Did he seduce you? While you were gone?" 

"No, I made advances on him. He-he was the one who was hesitant at first. But then I changed my mind too and said I needed to tell you before-"

"Before you could fuck him," I finished his sentence.

"Aye, I s'pose that is the blunt way of putting it. I wasna his fault Claire. The responsibility falls to me."

"It takes two to tango Jamie. But you're right, I'm not angry with him. John has proved that he has self-control by maintaining a friendship with you for so long without making advances. It doesn't mean I'm going to be his pal, though."

"Going to be?" Jamie looked hopeful, "You mean ye aren't going to banish him?" I rolled my eyes.

"No, I'm not. As much as I hate this, I love you. As long as I am your *only* priority, I can accept that you love John too. I am going to have rules, though, Jamie."

I called John out into the yard. He looked terrified, but a glance at Jamie's hopeful face made him relax a bit.

"Claire, I apolo-"

"Save it, John. I don't want to hear anymore excuses." He looked as though he were going to say something else, but decided that he better not. "Listen here, both of you. You two are not to flirt, kiss, fuck, whatever *anywhere* near this house. John, you are not to visit Cross Creek or Wilmington for the soul purpose of seeing Jamie. If you are nearby on business, that's okay. But I don't want you seeing each other more than you already do, understand?" The boys looked like deer in headlights, "I said, do you understand?" They nodded vigorously. "I turned to Jamie. I want to know when you are planning to see him. You too cannot travel just to see John. I am your priority, don't you agree?" Jamie nodded again, "You are allowed to send letters, but no more than usual. And lastly, if I change my mind about this for whatever reason, you will stop seeing each other. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes."

"Aye." 

I turned to John, "Now go get Willie and leave, please." John hurriedly nodded and went to retrieve his son. 

"Claire, th-"

"The final rule is that you're not going to thank me for letting you cheat. The only time we will ever discuss this is when you inform me that you are planning to see him. Otherwise, we will pretend this never happened." 

John and Willie were outside now, preparing for the journey home. I went inside- I didn't want to see them part ways. I couple minutes later, Jamie was inside too, sitting in the chair next to me.

"I love you, Claire."

"Give me some time, Jamie." He nodded and poured me a glass of whiskey from the table. 

"Share a drink with me, Sassenach. Please?"

I looked at him. His face was sorrowful and begging. I took the glass from his hand and he smiled briefly. "I will always be yours, Claire. Even when I'm with him, I'm your loyal servant, forever."

I sipped my drink. "You bloody better be."


	17. Update!

Y'all are amazing.

For those of you who don't know, this is my first story on this platform, so the advice of how to handle negative comments is very helpful to me. I almost quit today, and you guys helped me through it. I've learned so much from you. THANK YOU.

I will post the next chapter tomorrow! Thank you for helping me get my hopes back up :) I'm a newbie to writing and to this community so you guys giving me advice and standing up for me is very appreciated! <3


	18. A Long Time Coming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is sexy, just a quick heads up. I have never written a sex scene before so bear with me!

2 months later

John POV

John had sent a latter to Jamie informing him of his stay in Cross Creek. He had received a response from the Scot earlier today, informing John that he should get a room at the local tavern and that he would tell Claire, as per the agreement. John had been a bit nervous that Claire would have changed her mind- or that Jamie would have. He hadn't kept John posted on what was going on in his marriage, which made sense despite making things a bit more difficult for John.

In the beginning, John had found it difficult to accept that he would always be second to Claire. He wanted something real. He wanted Jamie to be his and his alone. He eventually came to realize that, even if Jamie wasn't married, they could never have what John wished for. Being together as more than just a lover in the shadows would attract suspicion. Jamie would have his lands seized from him and John would lose his title and position in the army. And worst of all, he would lose Willie. 

This wasn't the first time John had had a dalliance with a married man- in fact, most of the men he had been intimate with had been married. Having a wife was the best way to avoid arousing suspicion. Although, he never brought himself to be unfaithful to Isobel. She already had enough obstacles in her marriage to John- he couldn't bear to disappoint her more. He had no idea what was going through Jamie's mind in regards to Claire, but it wasn't any of his business. As long as he wasn't hiding anything from his wife, John felt okay leaving that between them.

He had arrived at the tavern before Jamie. He asked for a secluded room, specifying that he would be having a business meeting with an associate that could not be disturbed. It was not the first time John had used that lie to obtain adequate privacy, but it was the first time he said it so that he could see someone he loved. He was led to the room by two young maids. One turned down the bed while the other set up dinner on the table in the corner.

"Do you require a cot, milord? For your associate?" The maid asked.

"Yes, that will be necessary, thank you mistress." John knew full well that it was not going to be used, but were anyone to notice that Jamie stayed overnight in the room without one, they would be in hot water. 

Jamie arrived shortly after the maids left. John heard him knock lightly on the door. He stood up from his seat and took a moment to straighten out his clothes. "You may enter."

Jamie ducked into the room, removing his hat in the process. He smiled at John and gestured towards the cot. "You dinna expect me to sleep on that, do ye?"

John felt his nervousness subside as he chuckled at Jamie's comment. "No, I don't. Although it may be wise to muss up the bedclothes a little to trick the maids." 

Jamie removed his coat and sat across from John. "This looks like quite a nice meal," he looked down at the food sprawled across the table, "'tis a shame to let it get cold, but I'm afraid that I'm not hungry just now."

John had been feeling quite the same way. He hadn't been able to eat a thing since he received Jamie's letter in the morning. The butterflies flitting about his stomach were not good for his appetite. 

"I'm not ready to dine just yet either, " John searched his mind for a new topic of conversation, "How was your journey here?" 

Jamie smirked, "You're cute when you're nervous, mo leannan. Engaging in social pleasantries probably isn't going to help to break the tension, aye?"

John knew that Jamie was right. His breeches suddenly felt tighter. "I suppose you're right...I-uh,"

Jamie had stood up and come around the table to John. He placed a warm hand on John's cheek, brushing a thumb over his lips. "I love ye, John. I want to do this right. You'll have to help me make it good for you, aye?"

"Y-yes, of course," John stammered. Jamie lifted his chin and guided him to stand. Jamie's warm breathed tickled John's lips. They joined together softly, moving in a slow rhythm. John could feel the passion of Jamie's touch- the arm wrapped around his back, the large hand on his jaw that pulled him deeper into Jamie.

Jamie began to coax John towards the bed on the other side of the room. He turned him so that he could feel the edge of the bed on the back of his knees. I pulled away from Jamie’s kiss briefly.

“Are you sure? We don’t have to?”

“I want to, John. And you?”

“My God, yes.”

Their lips meant again. There was a sense of urgency between them. John could feel Jamie undoing the buttons on his waistcoat, so he returned the favor. Jamie ran his hands underneath John’s undershirt, tracing his fingers over the hardening nipples. Before long, both of them had discarded their shirts- the fabric was merely a hindrance now. 

John reached tentatively down to the buttons of Jamie’s breeches, pausing for permission. The Scot reached down to remove his socks and nodded, still not breaking the kiss. Once Jamie’s breeches were off, John pulled back to observe Jamie. His cock was standing at the ready, looking even larger than John had remembered from the day at the river with it’s now full erection. 

Jamie had tugged down John’s breeches now. John reached to the floor to retrieve the small vile that had been in his pocket.

“Oil,” he explained, “to make it feel good for both of us. It’s unscented.”

Jamie looked relieved at John’s last words. “How do I keep from hurting you?” He asked.

John laid back onto the bed and dipped his finger into the oil. “Like this.” He demonstrated the proper technique for preparation for Jamie.

“Aye, I can do that.” Jamie oiled his own fingers and slowly slid his index into John, who’s breath hitched slightly at Jamie’s touch. “Am I hurting ye?”

“No Jamie, it feels good. I’ll tell you if it hurts, okay?” Jamie nodded, continuing to slide his finger in and out. “Now, add another finger in and bend them slightly-” Jamie followed John’s instruction, eliciting a pleasurable moan from John.

“Oh, I get it now,” Jamie said coyly as he pressed gently on John’s prostate. He felt John’s muscles relax a bit, so he added another finger and continued his work, "You're so beautiful, John."

“Shit, Jamie,” John moaned again. He could already feel the precum gathering on the tip of his cock, “I want to feel you in me.”

The Scot applied the oil and positioned himself over John, kissing him lightly. He wrapped the smaller man’s legs around his waist and aligned himself, pushing in slowly. They both groaned in pleasure. As he felt John relax to his length, Jamie picked up the pace. They were both already close. Jamie was thrusting repeatedly into John’s prostate and he felt the familiar warmth in his belly become an intense heat. It only took a couple minutes before they were both on the edge of coming undone.

“Jamie I-” John spilled himself onto both his and Jamie’s torsos. He could feel the Scot tense up and then release himself, letting out a guttural moan. They rode out the climax and then Jamie flopped onto the bed next to John. They gazed at each other for a moment, allowing time to process and come down from what had just occurred between them.

John spoke first, “Did you, well, did you like it?” Jamie laughed at the sincerity of the question.

“Of course I did, mo leannan. I havena experienced anything like that before.” He wrapped and arm around John and pulled him into his chest. John could feel the moisture of their combined sweat, as well as the faint smell of his own seed, which still resided on Jamie’s stomach. 

“I love you, Jamie.”

“And I, you.” John could hear the fatigue in Jamie’s voice. The two remained connected as they fell into a comfortable sleep.


	19. Midnight Snack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update! I've been sick :(

Jamie POV

Jamie awakened to the sound of his own stomach protesting for food. He glanced at the 24-hour candle on the mantlepiece- it must have been just past midnight. Despite his hunger, the warm sleeping for of John snuggled comfortably into his chest made the idea of getting out of bed unattractive. The air in the room was frigid- the fire was merely embers now. But John's naked form beside him radiated warmth. Jamie wanted nothing more than to let himself melt into the heat.

His stomach disagreed with that sentiment, letting out a long growl. At this rate, it would was more likely to wake John up than Jamie getting out of bed. He slowly slithered his arm from around the sleeping Englishman, making sure to rest his head gently on the pillow. Jamie brought the covers up around John as to not let the heat escape. He took a moment to admire the man in bed. Even in sleep, John had a content expression on his face, although it had become slightly perturbed at the loss of Jamie from the bed.

Jamie tiptoed to the fireplace and added some logs to the fire, poking the embers in an attempt to re-ignite them. They were too cold though, so Jamie resorted to pulling a candle from the mantle. The wood took a moment to catch, but it eventually burned warmly. Making his way to the table, where the uneaten dinner had gone cold, Jamie retrieved the platter of chicken and placed it on top of the rack in the fireplace. It wasn't necessarily intended to be used for cooking- more so for simply placing a kettle to make tea, but it would have to do. The last thing Jamie wanted was to eat cold chicken in a freezing room.

He heard a small whimper behind him, accompanied by the sound of shifting bedclothes. Peering over his shoulder, Jamie saw that John had woken up and was now facing Jamie.

"Go back to sleep, mo leannan," Jamie whispered, "I'll be back in bed just after I've had a bite to eat." 

"Do you plan to eat that entire chicken alone?" John smiled sleepily as he sat up, whining slightly as his skin came in contact with the cold air of the room. Jamie re-plated the chicken and brought the dish over to the bed. 

"How are ye feeling?" He asked John as he took a bite. They were eating with their fingers for the sake of convenience, but John seemed to be hesitant. "I can get ye utensils, if ye'd like."

"No, it's okay Jamie." John took a nibble of his chicken and placed the rest back on the plate. Jamie could tell that there was something bothering him, preventing him from embracing his appetite.

"What is it, John? Ye can talk to me."

"I- I don't want to ruin the moment, Jamie. I just..." He trailed off and looked into his hands. Jamie reached out a gentle hand and placed it on John's bare back.

"Ye can tell me anything, even if ye dinna think I'll want to hear it."

John sighed and met Jamie's gaze. "I'm so happy with you Jamie. I love spending time with you, talking, playing chess, making love- even just simply being in the same room as you. But thinking of Claire, all alone at your home, while I'm here stealing you away. I didn't realize just how much the guilt would hurt. You're worth it, I know that for certain, I just... I don't know. I guess I just wish things were different."

John's expression was sincere, and Jamie understood why he was feeling the way he was. He placed a hand on the Englishman's cheek and brushed a tear away. "I ken that it's hard for ye, not knowing what goes on at home with Claire and me. I didna think it appropriate to discuss it with ye for her sake," John nodded, "But now I see that there are some things ye must know."

"Like what?"

"Well, simply put, she seems to have found peace- with us, I mean. She still doesna want to alter the way things are working, but her coldness to me has subsided. We have had time to talk, and she has wanted to listen. I told her about how I think I've always had an attraction to men, but that I couldna face the truth of it after Wentworth. I suppose that she is glad that I've finally been able to overcome the boundaries I set for myself in the aftermath."

John turned his head and kissed Jamie's palm, which was still resting on his face. "So, she's made peace? There's no animosity?"

"Well, there's still some, she's not the kind of woman to pretend she doesna care when she does. But she's not angry that I'm here with ye now. I think that that's the best we can hope for. And either way, the person that animosity is harbored for isna you."

"Well, I suppose that's better than what I was thinking. I- I thought I'd ruined your life. That I was too greedy and, I don't know," John let out a small sob, clearly trying to maintain his composure, "I thought that perhaps you resented me for coming between you and you're perfect marriage." 

Jamie's eyes widened and he furrowed his brow in concern. He pulled John into his chest and held him for a moment, waiting for the shaking of John's shoulder's to subside.

"Where did ye get that idea, mo leannan? This isna your fault. I told ye I wanted this, did I not? I have no one to blame save for myself. I'm happy John, truly. And Claire doesna hate me. Nothing is ruined."

Jamie lifted John's chin and bent down to kiss him gently, tasting the salt of tears. John reached his hand around the back of Jamie's neck, tilting his head for easier access. He began to plant a trail of kisses across Jamie's jaw, down his neck to his collarbone. He brushed his tongue over Jamie's nipple, feeling his harden at the sensation. John slid his hand down to Jamie's groin, feeling the length grow harder in his hand.

John looked up to Jamie, who nodded. John could feel the rough hands in his hair as he continued to make his way downward, savoring every inch of Jamie's torso. The patch of copper hairs beneath his navel, down to the sensitive spots on his inner thigh. He was teasing Jamie now, and he could feel the hands in his hair ball up in frustration.

Deciding to release Jamie from the tension, John licked the underside of Jamie's cock from base to tip. The precum was already beginning to drip down. John tasted it as he swirled his tongue around Jamie's tip. Taking Jamie into his mouth, John began to bob his head up and down, creating suction with his lips. His tongue remained on Jamie's cock as he moved, causing Jamie to squirm in pleasure. He let out a moan as John pushed himself all the way down to the base. He gagged slightly, but it quickly adjusted to the length in his throat. John rested his hand on top of Jamie's, encouraging him to move with him. He did, gently thrusting into John's throat.

"Oh, John- shit." John gazed up at Jamie, who's face was twisted in intense pleasure. It wouldn't be long now. Jamie's cock was throbbing more quickly now, so John picked up the pace slightly. Jamie threw his head back and and released into John's mouth. His seed gathered in the back of John's throat and was swallowed. With a small "pop," John removed his mouth from Jamie's cock. Jamie's head was still thrown back and he was breathing heavily. Sweat dripped from his brow. John Sat up and kissed him sloppily. Jamie could taste his seed on John's tongue.

"How did you like that?" John asked, knowing full-well that the man beside him was melted in complete ecstasy. 

"I think ye ken how I liked it. The question is, how do I make you feel that way?" John turned his head to look at John, who was clearly proud of his work.

"I think that's a conversation for next time," he gave Jamie a peck on the lips, "I just want you to hold me, for now anyway."

"I would be happy to oblige you, mo leannan." Jamie put and arm over John's shoulder and pulled him close. John had begun to pick at the chicken again and was eating quietly. 

"Hungry now, are ye?" Jamie teased.

"I suppose you could say that I worked up an appetite," replied John with a wink. Jamie gave him a squeeze and kissed his temple. 

"Well, eat up then. You've certainly earned it, if ye ask me." John have Jamie a playful slap on the arm. 

"You, my love, are one cheeky bastard."


	20. A Request

Claire POV

Jamie was supposed to return home mid-afternoon on Tuesday. It was snowing lightly upon his arrival and I had been sitting on the porch wrapped up in my fur with a mug of tea. I wasn't sure what to expect when I saw him. Would he act like nothing had happened? Would he look like he had just been with another person? I hadn't had many reservations about letting him see John. I had gotten past my initial anger, which had arisen solely as a result of Jamie's lack of transparency. But now that everything was out in the open, the anger had dissipated into a mild melancholy. Jamie's love for John had nothing to do with his relationship with me, which was both a comfort and an obstacle. What we had continued to be sacred, but there was nothing I could do to provide him with the type of closeness he felt with John. Any jealousy I had as a result was neutralized by the fact that I possessed a closeness with Jamie that he could never have. In short, I didn't know what to feel anymore. 

Despite my reservations about Jamie sharing his heart- and his bed- with another, I had no desire to do the same. Jamie would probably allow it, not willingly though. He would only let me do it as a matter of honor seeing as it would make him a hypocrite if he didn't. But I simply had no desire to be with another man. Jamie was all I needed in that department. Jamie was the only man who I had the capacity to love, aside from Frank that is. Perhaps if Frank were still alive and had traveled through the stones with me (something he'd never had done). Much like John was raising Willie, Frank had raised Bree. Jamie would never be able to create that type of connection with me. I could only assume that that was what Jamie and John had, in addition to the added excitement of exploring their sexualities. As much as I didn't like the arrangement, I understood why it existed. My analytical mind had been able to make peace with it after months of toiling. 

I had been lost in thought when Jamie dismounted his horse and made his way to the porch to greet me. My gaze was directed at the ground and his boots were suddenly in my field of vision. I looked up and he smiled as he bent down to kiss me. 

"I missed ye, Sassenach." He sat down next to be and placed a hand on the small of my back. I studied his face- nothing seemed different. He didn't seem any more or less satisfied as usual. He was simply happy to see me.

"Your time there," I started, "was it wat you...expected?" I looked away and focused on the tea in my mug. I could feel his energy shift next to me before he replied.

"Do ye want to know?"

Did I? Ignorance is bliss, but also a recipe for being caught unprepared. I would find out eventually if Jamie's plan had been executed, so now was as good a time as ever.

"Yes. Just leave out the details, please."

Jamie sighed and I turned to look at him. "Aye, we enjoyed our time together. But I am glad to be home."

"Are you going to see him again? In this way, I mean." 

"If the opportunity arises and you'll allow it, then aye. I dinna ken when, though." For now, I just want to enjoy my time with my wife." 

I was glad Jamie was being truthful, but part of me had been hoping that he would have had some sort of reason to not go back into John's bed again. 

"Come inside, Sassenach, and I'll freshen up your tea for ye." 

Jamie stood and reached out a hand to help me up. I almost didn't want to touch it. "The hands are the most intimate part of the body," I thought to myself, "You never know how someone has used them." I shook off the thought and accepted the help. These hands had touched women who weren't me, so might as well add a man to the list.

.................................

We sat by the fire for a while whilst Jamie warmed up. He had journeyed through the snow for a few days, so he was chilled to the bone. It didn't feel much different from when he usually came back from a trip. He had had some business to do on his journey anyway, so we had some talking points. I recounted the events that had occurred in his absence- a visit from out Indian neighbors for trade, a birth at the home of a family nearby, and a short day trip I had done to catch come fish and collect some moss for medicinal uses. 

After we had relaxed a bit, Jamie pulled a small folded parchment from his pocket. He looked down at it briefly. I could tell from where I was sitting that it was secured with John's seal. He extended his arm and offered it to me.

"John wrote this while I was with him. He said it was for you only, so I dinna ken what it says. But he seemed adamant about it's timely delivery to you."

I wasn't surprised that John had written to me, but I was surprised that he had sent Jamie as his messenger. It seemed like it would have been an awkward request, although if the contents of the letter were not for public consumption, then I could see why he would want to endure it's reliable and discrete delivery. Mail these days was notably unreliable and was often intercepted multiple times before making it into the hands of the intended recipient. Any sensitive information was best delivered by a trusted third party. 

I took the letter and placed it into the pocket of my skirts. I wasn't going to read it now, lest it contain something that would ruin the comfortable mood that I was experiencing with Jamie. I reached out a gave Jamie's hand a squeeze. He relaxed noticeably and smiled at me, pulling my arm slightly to beckon me towards him. I sat on his lap and kissed his lips. He was warm from the fire and I could smell the dampness of the outdoors and the smokiness of campfire on his skin. He pulled away from me slowly and brushed a stray curl behind my ear.

"I must go bathe myself. I've been sleeping on damp leaves for three nights now."

"It's not such a bad smell," I commented. I kissed him to prove my point.

"No tisn't I s'pose. But it feels like I've been laying in filth."

I stood up from his lap reluctantly and he have me a kiss before heading out to the shelter, which was currently home to the washing basin. It would take Jamie quite some time to boil the water to fill it, so I decided that now was probably the best chance I'd have to read the letter that was burning a hole in my pocket. If it said something disagreeable, I'd have time to pull myself together before confronting Jamie about it.

I sat back down in my chair and broke the wax seal. John's elegant handwriting revealed itself. I took a deep breath and began reading.

"My dear Claire

This letter is probably just as difficult for me to compose as it will be for you to read. But I feel that it is unjust for me to leave matters between us unspoken. I will not tell you that I am grateful for your lenience, nor will I apologize for reciprocation of your husband's desires. I feel that doing either of these things would be patronizing to you. You, of all people, do not deserve that.   
Your agreement with Jamie, as well as its implications, conditions, and consequences are your own business. Although, I feel it is my duty to inform you that Jamie has enlightened me about the current dynamic within your relationship at home. Jamie did not speak on your behalf, but he assured me that your animosity was not directed towards me. I could only hope that that was an accurate depiction. I do not want to come between you and Jamie any more than I already have. You do not deserve that and if Jamie is unable to let me go were that to be the case, I would hope you would tell me so that I could take that action."

I paused reading for a moment to collect my thoughts. I had no qualms with anything that John said, but it was hard for me to imagine a world where Jamie couldn't end things between them but John could. From John's perspective, Jamie's feelings must have been extremely intense for him to consider that scenario worth discussing. I was glad that John was taking some form of responsibility for ensuring my welfare in the matter, but it was unnecessary aside from as a protocol for being honorable. I continued reading.

"That being said, I thought I might ask your permission about something. As I mentioned previously, I am not fully privy to the conditions of your agreement with Jamie, so if this is an outlandish request, simply disregard it. As you know , I am currently in the process of organizing Isobel's estate. I have just sent Willie to school in London, so I have lost the trusted help he had been giving me. Under prior circumstances, I would not have hesitated to ask Jamie for his help directly. However, it now feels that it is the right thing to do to ask you first. Were you to oblige me, Jamie would come for a few weeks in the Spring.  
If you are uncomfortable with allowing the excursion, you need only to say the word. I ask that you not inform Jamie if my asking if you plan to disallow it. I would rather not set a hope that is unattainable. If you are okay with Jamie coming to aid me, simply have him send word. I would be most grateful.

Your humble servant,  
Lord John William Grey"

A few weeks in the Spring? That would be a considerable sacrifice, and not just emotionally. There was a lot of work to do here during that time of year. Surely John had his work cut out for him at the estate too, which is why he asked Jamie. I did have Murtagh (assuming he avoided getting arrested between now and then) and Ian to aid me. And they wouldn't be completely surprised by Jamie's traveling. Logistically, it made sense. 

I had gone weeks without Jamie before. They were difficult, to say the least, but I could manage. The question was whether I could manage knowing he was practically living with his other lover. These past few days had been easier than I had anticipated, especially once Jamie got home and things didn't feel much different. Plus, I would have plenty of work to keep me occupied come springtime. Having Ian home to keep me company would be an added distraction. 

I decided that it would be best not to make a hasty decision, but rather to sleep on it. I was, to my surprise, leaning towards saying yes at the moment. But, like John had said, instilling hope in Jamie and then taking it away would be shooting our relationship in the foot. I would much rather keep this between John and I until I was absolutely sure of my response.

I slid the letter back into my pocket and stood, shaking off my thoughts. I grabbed my shawl and headed out to the shelter. I was slightly envious of Jamie's bath- I would have liked nothing more than to let myself relax in the heat. To my surprise, I entered to find Jamie giving himself a sponge bath. He was hunched over uncomfortably, rubbing the wet cloth over his naked body.

"Why do you not just get into the bath? You took the time to fill it, after all."

My question had startled Jamie and he jumped slightly, hitting his head on the low roof. He let out a grunt and rubbed the back of his head.

"Well, if ye must know, I didna want to get the water dirty. I thought that maybe you would join me."

I grinned and dropped my shawl to he ground and began to undress. "How is it that you always know exactly what I need?"


	21. A Passionate Greeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick update :) The next chapter will be longer.

Spring

John POV

John sat impatiently at the desk in his study, staring blankly at the various sheets of parchment where numbers and budgets had been carefully recorded over the past few weeks. Despite generally being diligent with his work, John now found even the notion of focusing impossible to comprehend. James Fraser was going to arrive any day now and stay for a number of weeks. 

John had been surprised by Claire's rapid response detailing her permission for Jamie to come aid John in organizing Isobel's estate. He had expected her to flatly refuse the request, or at least attempt to make him feel guilty for asking her. Perhaps what Jamie had said back at the tavern in South Carolina had more truth to it than John had cared to believe- Jamie hadn't embellished to make him feel better. Or, perhaps Claire just wanted an excuse to be away from Jamie. Maybe she resented him, or maybe she needed time to think. Either way, it wasn't worth pondering any longer. Jamie was on his way.

John had assured that Jamie's chambers would be next-door to his. His quarters shared a balcony with the room where Jamie would be staying. It wasn't just convenient, but it minimized their chances of getting caught going between rooms in the night. There were still servants and assistants, although the staff was at it's minimum for the time being. John was aware of the gossip that occurred in the servants quarters on these kinds of estates and he wanted to try his best to avoid perpetuating any rumors. 

There was a knock at the door and he looked up to see his valet standing patiently in the doorframe. John beckoned the man in and he stepped into the room courteously.

"James Fraser is here, milord. Shall I send him to his quarters?"

John tried his best to maintain his composure. Jamie was at least a day early.

"Yes, and see to it that he is provided with hot water to bathe and clean clothes."

"Of course, milord." The valet was gone just as quickly as he had appeared. John tried his best to calm his nerves-and other parts of him. He hadn't seen Jamie since their time at the tavern, and they had yet to actually discuss just what had occurred between them there. All that was left was the memory of being close, and it was enough to make John feel suffocated with desire. He had missed every aspect of Jamie- emotionally, physically, sexually. He could hardly take being away from him for a moment more. 

John stood abruptly and moved to exit the room, shifting his breeches slightly to conceal his semi-arousal from the servants wandering about the halls. The valet had returned to his post outside of John's study door.

"Did Mr. Fraser make it to his chambers?" John asked politely.

"Yes, milord. He is currently freshening up from his journey."

John nodded, "Good. I think I will take a moment in my chambers before dinner."

"Will you require assistance, milord?" 

"No, I think not. You may take your leave until dinner."

"Thank you, milord." The valet bowed and swiftly made his way towards the servants quarters.

John made his way up to his chambers. As he passed Jamie's door, he could hear the faint splashing of water in a wash-tub through the door. He made his way into his own room, being careful to secure the door behind him. After giving himself a quick once-over in his looking glass, John made his way out to the balcony. The curtains on Jamie's door were drawn for privacy. John breathed deeply and knocked. 

"Who's there?" A surprised Jamie called from the other side.

"It's me, Jamie." John heard a few splashes and the door suddenly swung open, revealing a naked, dripping Jamie. John was pulled quickly into the room and was immediately in the Scot's wet embrace. 

Jamie put a hand on John's jaw and began to kiss him fervently. John felt as though his lips would bruise from the impact. The kiss began to trail down his neck, stopping at his collar. Jamie's hands were busy unbuttoning and pulling away fabric, all the while planting small kisses over the newly-exposed skin. They trailed along his collarbone, down to his chest and nipples, to his abdomen and finally to his inner thighs. Jamie kissed and sucked on those sensitive spots as he moved his fingers into John. Clearly, he didn't plan to waste a moment, but John didn't mind. Once he was comfortably relaxed and prepared, Jamie stood and pushed John to the wall so that his back was to the Scot. Jamie had come prepared and was already oiling himself as he kissed the backs of John's shoulders and neck. 

Jamie entered roughly, causing John to moan in a mixture of surprise and pleasure. Jamie clapped a hand over John's open mouth, stifling his own moans into the crook of John's neck. His thrusts began to quicken and John could feel himself getting close. Jamie reached down an oiled hand and stoked John's cock, pushing him over the edge. He lost himself into Jamie's hand as he felt the Scot's throbbing release inside of him. Jamie rode out his climax and let go of John's cock as he pulled out. He spun John around and kissed him gently.

"Christ, I've been thinking about doing that since I mounted my horse to ride here," Jamie said between labored breathes. He looked down into his palm, which was covered in John's seed. "I best get rid of this, aye?"

Without hesitation, John firmly grasped Jamie's wrist and licked his palm. Jamie laughed in surprise.

"Or ye could do that I s'pose." he bent down and kissed John's lips, inserting his tongue and tasting the seed for himself. 

"Dear God, I missed you James Fraser." John whispered as they separated.

"And I you, mo leannan." Jamie turned and made his way back to the washing tub. With the wave of an arm, he beckoned John over. 

"I can't, Jamie. It would be too obvious if I too were freshly bathed," John leaned over the edge of the basin and kissed the top of Jamie's head. The Scot reached up and joined their lips sweetly. "I'll see you at dinner, my love." Jamie responded with a sigh.

He collected his clothes and carefully made his way back to his own chambers, ensuring that no one on the grounds below could see him exiting Jamie's room. When he made it back to his room, John once again checked his looking-glass. His formerly pristine appearance was now disheveled with pleasure. His cheeks were flushed red from orgasm, and his hair was partially pulled loose from it's ribbon by Jamie's passionate greeting. Any anxiety that John had been harboring about seeing Jamie again had been replaced with unparalleled joy and pleasure.

John made his way to the wash-basin and splashed his face with cool water to reduce the redness. He would have a lot of recomposing to do before dinner.


	22. Update about posting schedule

Hi all!

I just thought I would let you guys know that my posting schedule will be changing. I will now be posting every Sunday/Monday on this story. There may be the occasional extra chapter throughout the week, but I thought I would let you know. I just got a job (yay!) but it means I have less time to dedicate to writing (boo!). My other story (go check it out if you haven't :) ) will be about 2+ chapters a week since it is a longer story.

Love!

-H


	23. Thoughts at Dawn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short one today! Mostly just a reflective moment for Jamie. We all have those moments when we just lay in bed and think of all of the things that stress us out (or is that just me?). I hope those of you in the US have a happy Thanksgiving!

Jamie woke the next morning just before dawn, when the birds were just beginning to sing their morning songs and the crickets' chirps subsided. John was nuzzled in his arms, sleeping peacefully. His hair was undone, causing several strands to have fallen into his face throughout the night. His breath moved them slightly. Jamie reached a hand over and brushed them behind John's ear, giving him a gentle kiss on the temple in the process.

"I dinna ken what to do with ye, mo leannan," Jamie whispered to the sleeping form in his arms, "I love ye so much I can hardly stand it. But, even though Claire says she doesna mind anymore, I can still see a shadow in her eyes when she looks at me." Jamie paused and stroked John's hair, "But dinna worry, it isna yer fault. 'Tis my own burden to carry." A tear rolled down his cheek, dripping onto John's delicate skin. 

Claire had told Jamie that she could handle him seeing John, but whether or not she was being truthful was questionable. She was not one to lie, in fact she was generally brutally honest, but they had never faced a situation like this. He could tell she was holding something back. Was it hatred for him? Jamie knew it was not animosity towards John- she had already made it quite clear that she blamed Jamie for the whole debacle. Claire had never had trouble telling Jamie she hated him before, though. He recalled when they were in Paris, just after he'd been released from the Bastille. She had been quite frank about her hatred for him then.

Did she hate herself? The thought alone caused another tear to fall from his cheek onto the man beside him. They had talked at length about the situation, even coming to common ground- or so Jamie had assumed. But could she possibly be blaming herself for Jamie's selfishness? Were that to be revealed to be the case, Jamie would certainly break. He'd hurt his wife enough already without also causing her to hate herself.

Jamie squeezed John slightly, causing the Englishman to stir before settling back down. There was no way that he could ever let go of what he had with John. And even if he could, the damage had already been done. Claire had said so- she explicitly told him that there was no use in cutting John off. "The last thing I need is for you to be sulking around in misery. I'll get used to you and John eventually," she had said one night. At the time, Jamie had been relieved to hear this. Looking back, however, it was clear that she was sacrificing her own happiness for his. That was very uncharacteristic for her. The question that plagued Jamie's mind was- why didn't she stand up for herself? Why was she letting herself be hurt like this? Why didn't she retaliate?

Maybe she was retaliating. Maybe that's why she practically packed Jamie's trunk for him when she received the letter from John about helping with the estate. The thought made Jamie's stomach churn, but at the same time he was strangely comforted by it. He deserved some sort of backlash from her. Were she to retaliate, he'd be hurt, but relieved that she was still the strong-willed woman he loved. But at the same time, he knew that she could never bring herself to be unfaithful for the sake of revenge. She'd never even done that to Frank, and she didn't even love him as much as she loved Jamie. 

His head was spinning and he decided to put the thought spiral to rest for the time being. He took a couple of deep breathes, calming his nerves. John was beginning to stir, and Jamie wanted to avoid suspicion. He was in no mood to discuss the fragility of his marriage with John. He would only blame himself, and that would just make Jamie feel worse. He looked down again, surprised to see that John's eyes were open and looking up at him.

"Good morning, mo leannan." Jamie said softly.

"Were you crying?" John asked.

"Crying- och, no I wasna. Uh- why do ye ask?"

John rubbed a hand over his tear, covered cheek, "My cheek is wet. You know, it's okay if you were."

"I dinna think we have to discuss it. But I appreciate the concern, truly." Jamie bent over and gave John a kiss and a squeeze before getting out of bed, warranting a disgruntled noise from the Englishman.

"You know, it's hardly even 7 o'clock yet. Why are you in such a hurry?"

"Well for one, I'm starved. I worked up quite the appetite last night," Jamie winked and John laughed, "Also, I was hoping to get to the stables this mornin' to check on my horse."

"Well, in that case I should probably rise as well. I'll join you for breakfast in a few moments."

Jamie nodded and headed for the door, but was stopped by John's exclamation.

"Jamie- balcony!"

"Och, right sorry, He spun on his heel and made his way onto the balcony and out the door of his own chambers, stopping to mess up the bed clothes before leaving.


	24. Saint John's Wort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you were asking for more Claire content. I've been avoiding it because it's difficult to do without making her seem like a push-over (which Claire certainly is not!). But as I've already mentioned, her acceptance of Jamie's love for LJG is necessary for this story to be remotely pleasant for all of the characters going forward. Just remember that this story isn't canon and to be nice in the comments please :)

Jamie's absence felt heavy in the air around me. It had been relaxing, at first, to avoid thinking about the subject that had been on my mind since that fateful week last winter. Seeing Jamie around the cabin always brought those frustrated thoughts to the forefront of my mind, meaning that they had essentially never wavered. That's why I had sent him off in the first place- even if I had truly just pushed him further into John's arms.

Now, the silence of the cabin was deafening. No sound of wood chopping outside, heavy footsteps on the wooden floors, or the Scottish grunts he would make as he thought to himself. But what I noticed even more were the noises that I had always assumed were his doing- random creaking here and there and small noises outside. 

I wasn't sure if I missed him, or merely the presence of another living being in the cabin. Ian and Rollo had gone to Cross Creek a week or so after Jamie's departure, leaving me alone for several days now. I had been able to avoid the mental subject of Jamie and his paramour for the time-being, but the intrusive thoughts were inevitably beginning to roll in. 

It was late into the evening now- Jamie and John surely would have retired from their work on the estate by now. Perhaps they were drinking together, or playing a few games of chess, or... I stopped myself too late. The mental image of John in Jamie's arms felt as real as if I had truly seen it with my own eyes. I wasn't jealous- it wasn't as if I hadn't been in that same position thousands of time before- but I felt oddly violated, as if John had broken into my home. I'd yet to feel anger towards John, despite the obvious reasons why I should have felt it. I kept waiting for those feelings to flood my mind, but so far the lack of them was consistent. 

There was a knock at the door and I jumped, reaching instinctively to the dagger secured around my waist. Who could be visiting at this hour? I peeked through the hide that covered the windows. A young woman about Brianna's age stood patiently on the porch. She was fairly thin and fair-haired. The yard around her was empty, so it was safe to assume she was alone. I opened the door tentatively.

"Hello. Can I help you?"

"Are you Mrs. Fraser?" the girl asked. She had a Scottish accent, but she wasn't a Highlander- Edinburgh, perhaps? She sounded well-educated.

"I am. And who might you be?"

"My name is Lainie, Lainie MacMillan. I have heard good things of your healing skills from some of the townsfolk. I was hoping you could help me using your gifts."

I beckoned her to come into the cabin. She appeared perfectly healthy, at least in the low light of the evening.

"What sort of ailment brings you here at this late hour?" I asked, motioning her to take a seat at the table.

Lainie wiped her hands nervously on her skirts and looked into her lap. "Well, I haven't been able to sleep quite well lately. The apothecary in town gave me a brew- Saint John's Wort it was called. I thought it fitting with my name and all, so I bought it from him."

I nodded- even educated Scottish folk were suspect to superstition. Lainie- or "servant of John" in translation- must have been quite trusting of the remedy for insomnia and anxiety simply because of it's name. "Did it help you sleep?" I asked.

"Oh, aye," she nodded, "but I think it brought on my flux. And it hasn't stopped, not a day without bleedin' in near three weeks now."

I thought for a moment, trying to recall the information I knew about the plant. It was quite a common aid for issues relating to ails of the mind, such as insomnia, but I couldn't think of a way that it could possibly induce menstrual bleeding. Unless-

"Lainie, this may seem like a personal question, but I'm afraid it's necessary. Have you had relations with a man in the past few months?"

She cocked an eyebrow in the Scottish fashion. "Do you mean if I've lain with anyone? Aye, I have. My husband, near two months ago now. He's away visiting a friend, though, so I haven't recently."

I nodded, trying not to appear too worried. Saint John's Wort, although sometimes harmless during pregnancy, sometimes could have dangerous affects when one used it too often. "I'm going to need you to stay here, at least until the bleeding stops. And I'm afraid you will have to stop taking Saint John's Wort."

"Do you know what's wring with me?" Lainie asked nervously.

"I think you are likely pregnant. And if you don't start bedrest immediately, you will likely miscarry. That would explain the bleeding. Once it stops, I can check for baby's heartbeat." I told her straightly, but gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. "If you stay here, I will do my best to keep you and your baby safe. All I need you to do is try to relax."

Her expression looked to be the opposite of relaxation- she seemed joyed by the notion of her pregnancy, but also scared witless that it would end. 

"My Ewan will be quite pleased to hear that he's to be a father. Maybe having a bairn around will keep him home more often." She smiled slightly. 

I helped her out of her skirts and corset and into my bed- I would be sleeping on the cot for the next few nights. The kettle was set to steep and I sat at the table, continuing the conversation with Lainie.

"What does your husband do that takes him from home so often?" I asked curiously. 

"Oh, it isn't his job that takes him every now and then. It's a woman."

I tried not to show my surprise at her bluntness, but it must have shown plainly on my face. She laughed a bit.

"Don't look so shocked, Mistress Fraser. I am not hurt by his straying from our bed any longer. It's actually quite convenient at times when I want some time for myself."

So much for not thinking about Jamie, I thought. The meaning of Lainie's name suddenly became ironic in a way that almost made me laugh out loud. After regaining my composure a bit, I asked, "What do you mean by 'any longer?' How did you surpass the terribleness of such a thing? Also, you can call me Claire."

She smiled and shook her head. "Well, for starters, I met the woman. A kind lass- but not as bonnie as I am. Seeing them together helped me realize that even when she was beside him, he was still mine. He didn't love her like he loved me, even if he did feel strongly towards her. He and I shared a vow, you see. She had no connection to him more than just a feeling."

I pondered Lainie's words for a moment, but was pulled from my thoughts by the sound of the kettle ringing. I tossed in the tea leaves- lavender and chamomile for sleep- and returned my attention to the topic at hand. I'd met John multiple times, but I hadn't seen him and Jamie romance in any capacity. The thought alone made my cheeks burn. I struggled to see how it could help matters. 

"Why are you so interested anyway?" Lainie asked, pulling me once more from my ponderings, "I don't mind speaking of it, but you seem awfully enthralled by the notion of my husband's mistress."

I sighed. I had yet to tell anyone of my situation (it would have been quite the scandal), but I figured now was as good as ever to say something about it. "My husband and I are in the early stages of a similar agreement. He recently found another lover- he's with them right now, actually."

Lainie gave me an understanding look. "I ken how you feel, Claire. It isn't easy, but you seem like a strong-minded woman. Most lassies can't manage when their husband finds a mistress, but it's women like us that learn how to benefit from it. And besides, it doesn't mean he loves you any less. If anything, it will make him realize just how much he needs you."

I was almost shocked by Lainie's mentality about the notion of infidelity. I felt I was betraying my values by merely *tolerating* it, let alone condoning it. "But he has no right to desire another."

"I ken you're meaning, but what is done is done. Now you have to learn how to deal with the aftermath."

She did have a point- it wasn't as if I could leave Jamie. Even if I had any desire to end the relationship, going back through the stones was likely impossible due to the increased physical strain with each passage. And no matter how frustrated or betrayed I felt, I had no desire to end things.

"I see what you mean," I admitted, "Even if I could leave, I wouldn't."

"That's because you have an unbreakable vow- not just legally, but in your heart. Your souls are bound. I assure you, he will never share that with his mistress. He would leave her were you to ask."

This was true- Jamie had said so in the beginning of this mess

Lainie continued, "But even if he cut her off, it wouldn't help. I tried that, but the wound still festered because I knew he resented me for it, even though he tried not to."

"I can't excuse his actions, Lainie. It would take longer than I have left in this world."

"You don't have to excuse them, but you don't have to be hurt by them either. He's yours and he knows it, and so does she for that matter. You have the upper hand over both of them."

I looked at her, puzzled. "I can't see myself manipulating my husband like that," I stated. 

She shook her head and smiled. "That's reasonable, you don't have to. But that doesn't change the fact that you could. That's the important part."

"So he pities me? He's guilty? How does that change things?" Any understanding I'd had for what Lainie was trying to tell me faded away. 

"Don't give him a reason to feel that way. Tell him you don't mind and that you're happy for him. He'll believe it after a while. And then, once he does, the dynamic betwixt you will feel normal again. You say you don't want to leave, correct? Do you forgive him for falling in love with another?"

I thought for a moment. "Yes, I do. How? I'm not sure. I forgave him for anything he could do a long time ago. Doesn't mean I'm pleased by the notion, though."

"You don't have to be pleased by it. If you feel forgiveness and love towards him, then what do you think is causing your negative feelings?"

I shrugged. That was what I had been trying to figure out for months now.

"It's because he is guilty. It's because he pities you. Make him stop feeling that way, and you will come to realize that things will start getting easier."

Lainie's reasoning sounded like complete and utter crap, but what did I have to lose? I wanted to do anything I could to make things work again. Aside from making him leave John, which my gut was telling me not to do, I had no reason not to try. Had Jamie's affair been with a woman, I would have put a stop to it immediately. But something made me feel as though it was good for Jamie to explore that side of him. I would have rather him been able to do it in a way that wasn't at my own expense, though. But like Lainie had said, what has happened couldn't be undone. 

Had he come to me prior to taking action, then perhaps I would feel differently. I just wanted to feel as though I'd been consulted, not just a mere after thought. Had we discussed his feelings together, then we would have come to an understanding together- I wouldn't feel betrayed and he wouldn't feel pity for me. Perhaps his pity weighed on me more than I'd given Lainie credit for.


	25. By the Lake (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gotta love finals week- this chapter is going to be two parts. By next week, I should be able to give you guys a fairly lengthy part 2. I just wanted to make sure you got something this week! This chapter is just the beginning :) I might update sometime in the middle of the week.

John POV

Jamie was already awake by the time John managed to rouse himself. H peeked out onto the balcony- Jamie's curtains were drawn. A tentative knock on the door proved unfruitful. Apparently, he had already started his day.

After grabbing a quick breakfast from the kitchens, John headed out to the stables where he was bound to find Jamie, who had been in the process of getting to know the horses for the past couple of days. His plan was to determine which to sell and which to keep. There were an unjustifiable number of horses for the number of people currently residing on the estate. If someone else wound up living here- a member of John or Isobel's family, no doubt- they would presumably bring their own steeds. 

John found Jamie in the paddock with one of the more unruly stallions. He was attempting to tame him from the looks of it. The stallion was one of the stronger ones currently residing at the estate, and certainly would be valuable for breeding. Were Jamie to tame him, he would be a good investment. 

The stallion spotted John as he slowly approached the paddock, beginning to ignore Jamie's commands whilst perking his ears up in wariness. He stamped his foot threateningly.

"Woah, laddie. 'Tis just John, aye? No need to get your mane in a bunch," Jamie led him back into the stable, setting aside his task to focus on John. He seemed to have been up for hours- the morning grogginess he generally exhibited was nowhere to be seen.

"Good morning, mo leannon," Jamie looked around, ensuring there were no groomsmen in the stable, and gave John a short kiss. 

"Good morning," John replied, "I was thinking that maybe we could take a break from working today."

"Oh? Are ye truly able to do that? It seemed yesterday that you had a lot on your plate."

John shrugged, "I was restless last night and got ahead on the paperwork and budgeting. I already gave the staff their tasks for the day, so I would be able to relax. But only if you want to-"

"Of course I do," Jamie said, appearing slightly relieved at the prospect, "I fell like I havena had enough time with ye so far, at least not during the light of day."

John felt himself blush at that remark, remembering the intimacies exchanged during the previous few nights. "What would you like to do?" John questioned.

"Come with me." Jamie placed a hand on John's back, encouraging him to walk with him. He ushered him into the kitchens, where he grabbed some pre-prepared food and hastily stored it in his sporran. 

"Jamie, what's the hurry about? Where are we going?" John was certainly up for whatever Jamie had planned, but he would have preferred to have a notion of what they day ahead would entail.

"There's a lake a couple of miles up the road from the estate. I would verra much like to take ye there." John nodded in response and the two headed over to the stables where they prepared their mounts for the journey. He could feel Jamie's gaze on him and the radiation of excitement. John was feeling similarly, he too needed a break from the monotony of everyday business. 

They rode side by side down the road, appreciating each others company and the peace of the woods in a comfortable silence. After about three-quarters of an hour, Jamie steered his horse off the path into the woods. John followed as they made there way further and further from the main road. They eventually same to a stop when they reached a small clearing by the lake. John dismounted his horse and tied it to a nearby tree, ensuring that it had enough slack to graze comfortably. 

Jamie reached out to John, pulling him into a solid embrace. "Thank ye for this, John."

John looked up at the taller man and stood on his toes to kiss him in reply. But as he went to lower himself again, Jamie held him tighter, pulling him deeper into the kiss. 

John pulled away and studied Jamie's face. He had lust in his eyes, and John wanted nothing more than to see that face laying above him, but he had hoped to spend the day with a bit less heat between them. He obliged Jamie though, feeling his own desire overpower his previous wishes.

Jamie wasted no time following though. He stripped John down completely and laid him on the grass, admiring his naked form as he too undressed. John was still fairly prepared from the activities of the previous night, so there was little need for Jamie to delay. He oiled himself and pushed into John roughly with a grunt. John arched his back, the sensation of pleasurable pain radiating through his body. The pain was short-lived, however, as Jamie continued to thrust unrelenting. They finished quickly, having been so desperate for each others touch. Jamie laid beside John and pulled him into his side. 

"Christ, I've wanted to take ye in the grass and under the sky for so long, mo leannan." John didn't reply at first, but spoke up eventually. 

"Do you love me, Jamie?" John asked, barely audile.

Jamie sat up and looked at him, seeming shocked that there was any question. "Of course I do. I've told ye that."

"I know," John said, "But since you came to the estate, I cannot help but notice that we haven't connected- at least not the way we did in the woods, or even in the tavern."

Jamie shook his head, "I've made love to ye a good many times, John."

"That's not what I mean. I love having sex with you, Jamie, but we haven't talked about anything except work and chess and whiskey. You haven't even uttered the word 'love' outside of a sexual context."

"So ye dinna believe that I love ye?" He was getting angry, John could tell.

"Don't put words in my mouth, Jamie. I only mean that I want to be more emotionally intimate with you. I want to feel like more than just a secret carnal shame. I know you love me, but you're holding back." Jamie's face softened slightly, but he was clearly still surprised by the accusation. 

"I do love ye, John. And I s'pose you're right in a way. But the things on my mind as of late aren't problems you can help."

"Claire?"

"Aye, despite having her blessing, I still feel guilt when I'm with ye. It isna fair to you, I know. But it's easier to show ye I love ye physically than to share my mind with ye. When we were in the woods last winter, it was easier since it was before anything truly changed. Now, it's hard to tell the secrets that I have only told Claire, ye ken?"

John sat up and moved in front of Jamie, taking hold of his hand. "I understand, but it does hurt to feel as though I can't be emotionally satisfactory to you."

"You are, John." He picked up John's shirt and breeches and handed them to him. "Why don't we get dressed and enjoy each others company, aye?"


	26. Message For My Readers

Hi all!

I'm sure some of you have noticed that I haven't been updating this particular work as often lately. I have been having some trying to decide the next step for this story, which means that I'm kind of in a stalemate at the moment. I want to make sure that anything I post is my best work. I don't want to post crappy chapters. Quality over quantity is kind of my mantra when it comes to this story. 

As of now, I'm deciding to take a break from posting new chapters of Blood of My Blood until I've mapped out the rest of the story. I took an unexpected turn a while back that kind of disrupted my original idea, so now I've gotta figure something else out. I'm always open to suggestions, so if you have an idea feel free to leave it in the comments. I will give credit if a suggestion inspires me. 

I want to make sure you have quality content to read, and as of now that requires me to go back to the drawing board. There needs to be more action in this story because the internal conflicts of the characters just keep going in circles, which is going to get boring for you guys. I was thinking some sort of "Scottish Prisoner" type of adventure. Again, sound off in the comments if something strikes your fancy. Your feedback is very important to me.

The one thing I will say is that I'm not going to allow Claire a paramour of her own. She wouldn't even cheat on Jamie when she went back to the future. I've already moved her far enough away from canon as it is, so it would be unfair to her to have her do something that would push her further from herself. 

I am going to continue to update A New Frontier (ANF) because I am currently on a roll with that one. If you find yourself missing LJG during my return to the drawing board for this story, feel free to head on over to ANF. I am hoping to have a new plan for Blood of My Blood by the end of the month. I care about y'all and I am unwilling to present work to you guys that I wouldn't want to read if I were in your shoes. 

Have a happy holiday and I will have a new chapter posted for you guys come January 1st!

Best,  
H


	27. Midnight Journey

Claire POV

I felt uncomfortable sleeping on my right side with my back to the room. My arm felt awkward under the weight of my body and the covers felt as though they were tangled between my legs. I had considered flipping onto my left side, but I couldn't bear the though of seeing the empty bed. Nor could I bring myself to sleep where Jamie usually did. 

Any anger I'd felt towards this situation had slowly dissipated since Jamie left, replaced by a profound feeling of missing him. It was a weight I had managed to carry for 20 years once upon a time, but at least then I wasn't alone.

"He isn't alone right now." I whispered. I begrudgingly kicked the tangled sheets off of my lags and sat up, accepting the fact that sleep would be a stranger tonight. My feet were on the floor and before I realized what I was doing, I was fully dressed and packing up the saddle bags. I made sure to leave a note for Ian, although I doubted he'd be home anytime soon. The cabinet where the inkwells were stored still harbored Jamie's box of letters, the ones that had started this whole mess. I decided tp bring them with me- with no notion as to why I felt the compulsion to do so- and I was out the door.

I rode for a couple of hours on the main road, heading North. I wasn't quite sure where Mount Josiah Plantation was, but I would pass through a few towns on the way. Surely someone would be able to provide directions. Jamie's voice was clear in my head as I rode though the night, "It is too dark for ye to ride alone, Sassenach." He had given me that warning a fair number of times when I had decided to ride home from appointments with patients past dark. But I didn't care now, I just needed to get to him.

I started to feel sleep settling in at about two o'clock in the morning, judging my the positioning of the stars. I moved off the road to make camp, far enough away that any other travelers (or bandits- I shuddered at the thought) who were crazy enough to be moving this late would not see me. The nights were warm enough to preclude the need of a fire at night, so I tied up and tacked my horse and laid down on the woolen blanket that I'd had draped over my shoulders.

Despite the need to sleep washing over me, my thoughts still were unabated. While I was sleeping in the wet leaves on the woodland floor, Jamie was probably curled up on a down mattress with John Grey. I had expected the image to repulse me, but instead it just made me miss Jamie more. His love had been split between the two of us, me and John, even before John's visit over the winter. 

Once again, I temporarily gave up on the notion of sleep, instead taking some of the cotton from the saddle bag that I had brought as kindling, as well as a some flint and a candle. It only took a couple tries to light the cotton, and I used the small flame to light the candle hastily before it burned out. I retrieved a couple of the letters from the saddle bag and began to read, realizing upon opening the first one that it was a draft from Jamie. A large ink blot dotted the center of the page, he must have had to re-write it:

"From James Fraser  
Fraser's Ridge  
Colony of North Carolina

To Lord John William Grey

My dearest John,

I was happy to receive your correspondence this afternoon regarding the end of your tenure as Governor. I pray for your wife and son's expedient and safe voyage come spring. It is a shame that they must make the trip to Jamaica just as you are leaving, although I am sure that someone to whom you are as dedicated to as you are Isobel would hazard that voyage several times over. Anyone with the privilege of sharing your acquaintance would be a fool not to."

That last sentence felt like a punch to the gut. The letter was from over a year ago, and Jamie was quite literally saying he would cross the seven seas for John (which would be quite the personal sacrifice given his propensity for sea-sickness). He might as well have told John that he would "lasso the moon" for him. I took a deep breath and continued reading despite my best interest:

"I am quite surprised that the Crown has given you leave from this particular duty, as I feel it suits you quite well. The night of the Governor's Ball was an excellent opportunity for me to see you at work. You seemed well-liked by the citizen's under your care, which I am surely not surprised by. You also saved me from the hangman that night with your shrewd political skills (I daresay that you put that Captain [Lieutenant?] in his place). 

Regardless, I am glad you are taking your leave if it makes you happy. I would hate to think that you were alone and miserable in the humid heat there. It is a lovely place, but I should think it a bit too far from those who care for you (not that London is any closer)."

The fist to my gut redoubled and I put the letter down, the rest of it illegible due to the spilled ink. I laid back down, practically in shock. John's letters, at least the one's I had read months ago, seemed fairly innocent in nature. But Jamie had been openly flirtatious. I couldn't imagine that he had truly known just how romantic his tone had been in writing the letter, I was sure he wouldn't have continued correspondence with John had he realized his feelings, but the projection of them was clearly there. 

I couldn't blame John- from what I had read, he never provoked or encouraged any of Jamie's flirtation. But I could hardly blame Jamie either. He told me everything about his feelings for John after the pair had returned from their woodland excursion, and he had made no mention of any previous feelings. He would have told me if he had realized their existence, if not try to squelch them on his own. So who was I mad at?

I pondered that question as I fell asleep, finally giving in to weight of my eyelids. I was unable to find the answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be kind in the comments :) You don't have to read it if you don't like it, but please keep that information to yourself. I will continue to delete any nasty comments.


	28. An Uncomfortable Conversation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To those of you who are nice/defend me in the comments, this note is not for you. Happy reading!
> 
> To those of you who are unkind:  
> I will turn off comments on this chapter if I keep getting nasty comments/unsolicited "advice." Telling me that you want Claire to dump Jamie or Jamie to dump John or that you think the three of them together would be "shameful" and "disgusting" will only make you look bad (an bi/poly-phobic). If you want things to go your way, write your own fic instead of commenting that you hate this one. Also, this IS NOT supposed to be canon (it's fanfiction lmao). If you want canon, go read the books/watch the show. 
> 
> I dread updating this story solely because in order to moderate/delete comments, I have to read them first. Some of y'all need to seriously stop reading this story if it causes you so much discomfort that you feel the need to crap on not just my writing, but also me personally. And if you decide to stop reading, there's no reason to let me know in the comments. Just leave silently, nobody cares that you don't like the story. You're not doing anything by announcing that you're "disappointed" in the trajectory that the story has taken. Enjoy reading another fic and let the people who enjoy this one do so without being subjected to hurtful language.
> 
> Again, some of last chapter's comments were unacceptable. Like y'all learned in kindergarten, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. I can't believe I have to tell literal teens/ADULTS this. It's embarrassing at this point. Continue reading if you wish to and are willing to keep your hate to yourself, otherwise please do us all a favor and find something else to read.

John POV

Jamie had already left for the hunt by the time John awoke. He groggily reached to feel the empty bed beside him, long since cooled of the heat of the Scotsman who had slept there. Opening his eyes to glance at the empty pillow again confirmed that Jamie had gone. It was the first time in almost two weeks that John had woken up in an empty bed. His heart ached slightly, knowing he wouldn't see Jamie for at least 24 hours, more if the weather turned. 

Jamie had asked a couple of days prior if he could join some of the other men on the estate on a hunt. John had agreed of course, wanting Jamie to enjoy his tine at the estate. He'd been working hard and deserved a bit of fun, even if it meant leaving John lonely for a day or two.

John begrudgingly got out of bed, making sure to inspect the pillowcases and bedclothes for red hairs before leaving the room, lest the servants notice them whilst making the beds. A peek into Jamie's quarters confirmed that the Scotsman had already tousled up the bedclothes and filled the washbasin to make them appear as though they'd been used. The routine was a bit inconvenient, but it was certainly a welcome alternative to being accused of sodomy by the staff.

He managed to get ready in a timely fashion, especially since he was (unfortunately) unhindered by Jamie's morning desires. John would get an early start on the business for the day, but not before having a cup of tea and a scone. He headed down to the dining room, where these items had already been served in anticipation. It would be along day of paperwork and letter composition, so sustenance was certainly necessary. 

He was about half-way through his scone when a servant entered into the doorway. John looked up, waiting to hear whatever news the servant meant to convey. 

"Your Lordship, a Mistress Fraser is calling upon you. Shall I tell her to wait in the parlor?"

John nearly choked on the bite of scone he had just taken. "Mistress Fraser? No, she can join me here please."

John's heart began to race once the servant left to retrieve his unexpected guest. Ever since the Jamie-situation had begun, John had been slightly intimidated by Claire (perhaps he had always been, but now more than ever). He stood as Claire entered the room, giving her a courteous bow. "Claire, I did not expect your presence today. What brings you to the estate?" John wanted to kick himself for asking, of course he knew why she was here. 

Claire, who had clearly been restlessly traveling for days, approached John purposefully. "Where is my husband?"

"I'm afraid he left this morning for a hunt. He will not return until tomorrow at the earliest. You are welcome to stay until he does." John tried to sound as polite as possible, but his annoyance at Claire's sudden appearance came through slightly in his words. "Would you like some tea?"

"No, thank you. I find my appetite has disappeared. I would, however, like to speak to you privately, if you would be so kind." 

John nodded and escorted Claire into his office, making sure there were no nosey servants within earshot. He closed the door behind him and beckoned her to have a seat in one of the armchairs by the hearth. She obliged politely, and he joined her. John couldn't quite read Claire's demeanor, but he could tell that she was unsure of her feeling about the current situation. Clearly, she had been relying on Jamie's presence upon her arrival to the estate.

"How may I be of service, Claire?" John asked, looking into his lap.

"Just drop the bloody niceties, will you? I know you dislike me, there's no reason to pretend." Claire stared into the fire, unwilling to meet John's gaze, which rose to her in surprise as she spoke.

"Where on Earth did you get the notion that I 'dislike' you?" John asked, confused. "Just because our situation is...uncomfortable...does not mean that I consider it a reflection of your character. Myself, on the other hand..."

"Do you mean that you believe me to think less of you because of our 'situation,' as you referred to it? Or did you mean to imply that you see yourself differently as a result of it?" Claire asked. John did not sense any animosity in her voice. Perhaps she truly wanted to have a civil conversation.

"Well, both I suppose. However, I was referring to my opinion of myself." 

Claire finally turned her head to look at John. "How so?"

John shook his head in disbelief, having never expected to have this conversation with the woman sitting next to him. "I have been with married men before, but none who were capable of loving their wives the way that Jamie loves you. I feel I am acting dishonorably by allowing him to share his heart with anyone except yourself. And yet I do not have the strength to stop, I am too much of a coward to push him away."

Claire furrowed her brows, seeming surprised be the remorse that John had expressed. "You do not pity me?"

"You are too strong of a woman to ever be pitied. And I have too much pride to wallow in pity for myself."

"But not enough to do the honorable thing and relinquish Jamie's love." 

John sighed, wishing it was later in the day. This conversation would be a lot easier had he a drink in his hand. "Even if I were to banish Jamie from my life, I do not believe that he would cease to love me, nor I him. You and I would still bear the weight of the events that have transpired. Your marriage will never be the same, Claire. And Jamie, the man who I have loved for nearly 20 years, will be erased from my life completely. And I from his, although his love for me is a more recent development."

Claire did not express any objection to the validity of John's words. "How long do you believe him to have loved you?" Claire asked calmly.

"Since my visit to Fraser's Ridge, is it not obvious?" John replied, surprised by Claire's question.

Claire reached into her pocket, retrieving a sheet of stained parchment. "You have read this before. Read it again."

John unfolded the parchment and read. She was correct, he had read it before, only this must have been a rough draft. It was a letter from Jamie to John that read word-for-word of a letter John had received whilst in Jamaica. The words were the same, but John's interpretation of the meaning was quite different.

"My God," he whispered, "how did I not see it before?"

"Perhaps you never expected for Jamie to reciprocate your love, so you were oblivious to it."

John nodded, refolding the parchment and handing it back to Claire. "I do believe I owe you an apology Claire. Had I known, I would have never visited the ridge."

Claire leaned back in her chair a bit. "If you would have avoided starting something with Jamie had you had that knowledge sooner, why would you allow it once you were enlightened?"

John shook his head. "Avoidance of one's feelings is much easier to do from afar. I did not have the strength to turn him away after spending time alone with him. Have you any idea what it is like to live your life never truly being satisfied with another person?" 

Claire nodded, sighing. "Yes, actually, I can. I would be a hypocrite were I to fault you for wanting that. Love can make us go against our better judgement, I certainly understand that. Jamie surely does too. That's how we got into this whole mess, isn't it?"

"Indeed," John nodded, "Love truly blinds us."

"Well," Claire said quietly, "We are not blind anymore. So what is the next step?"

"A simple question, yet it feels impossible to answer. Is it fair to establish that neither of us will leave Jamie willingly?"

Claire nodded. "Yes, although I would think that the fact that he is *my* husband would be enough for you to release him from your grasp."

John looked Claire in the eyes. "We've already established that that will not work unless Jamie wants to leave me. In that case, I shall resign to never speak to him again. But if he does not want you to keep him from me, then it is no longer up to us."

Claire seemed disgruntled by John's straightforwardness, perhaps it was a taste of her own medicine.

"Well, I suppose that that leaves it up to him, then. Although there is the question of what will come to be if he cannot choose between us." 

There was a moment of silence after Claire's statement. The idea of Jamie refusing to choose had not yet crossed John's mind. "And you are unwilling to allow the situation to remain as it has been."

Claire shook her head. "I have already lost 20 years with Jamie. I refuse to lose more by continuing to send him here for weeks on end."

"Yes, that would be difficult for both of us. But is the alternative any more desirable."

Claire shook her head, "How would I know? I've never been in such a scenario. Although the idea of being under then same roof as you and Jamie while you two-" Claire stiffened, "It makes my skin crawl."

"The feeling is mutual, I assure you."

There was a knock at the door, and John allowed the servant into the room. "My apologies for interrupting, your Lordship, but the courier will be here shortly. Do you have the outgoing correspondence?"

John shook his head, having forgotten of the mountains of letters he had to respond to. "I have not yet finished them. If you would excuse me, Mistress Fraser." John stood, and bowed politely to Claire. "Show the lady to the guest chambers, please. She will be staying for the foreseeable future."

Claire stood, curtsying to John. She seemed relieved to have their conversation interrupted, as was he. She followed the servant out of the office and John slumped back into the chair. The thoughts from their frank conversation swam through his mind. "God," he said, head in his hands, "please let Jamie return soon." Whether Jamie's return issued a resolution their predicament was an entirely different matter, however.


	29. Rebuttal of Ultimatum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very short chapter today since I haven't been feeling well. I hope y'all enjoy!

Jamie POV

The last thing Jamie expected to see when he came through the door of John's office was his wife, who was seated by the fire with a cup of tea in-hand. John was in a similar position on the sofa adjacent to her with an expression on his face that could only be described as dread. Claire looked up at him and took a sip of her tea, doe-like eyes piercing into him and reigniting the guilt that he had temporarily forgotten about.

"What are ye doing here, Sassenach? I thought we had agreed-"

"I have decided that I am no longer willing to accept our arrangement." She put her down her teacup and beckoned for Jamie to join them by the fire. Seeing as he had no choice in the matter Jamie obliged, despite the pit that was forming in his stomach. John appeared to feel similarly, hardly acknowledging Jamie's presence as he sat beside him on the sofa. One could cut the tension in the room with a butter knife. Claire, as per her usual self, seemed to be taking the awkwardness with grace. The same could not be said for the two men sitting before her.

"Now," she started, smoothing out the wrinkles in her skirt nervously- perhaps she was nervous, thought Jamie,- "I think we can all agree that there are aspects of this, uh, arrangement... that are uncomfortable to each of us. Now, I do not want to speak for you or John, but I know that I have missed you- my husband- dearly these past few weeks. I do not wish to be apart from you any longer."

John finally spoke up, staring into the fire as he spoke, "And I should think I will feel similarly once you return to your wife. I do not feel comfortable with the prospect of being a mere paramour, only to be visited when you feel the desire."

Jamie's brows furrowed in confusion, "John, you know that's not the case-"

"But it is. Even if you do not intend it, even if you-" John glanced at Claire and paused cautiously, "even if you love me. The fact of the matter is that Mount Josiah will never be your home, and therefor neither will I." John stood up and dumped his tea into the water basin by the fire, instead deciding to indulge in a stiffer drink despite the early hour. Jamie could see the bags under his eyes- he must have been up all night.

"So what are ye asking me to do, Claire?" Jamie said, looking into his lap. 

"Choose."

Jamie looked between them, desperately hoping for some indication of how to proceed. On the one hand, he had Claire. She was his soulmate, his wife, the mother of his daughter, and the woman who has been by his side for over 20 years. She'd been with him through the worst parts of his life- but so had John. Jamie knew he could never stop loving him. Hell, he had (if not unknowingly) loved him for years. Being with John filled a hole in Jamie that he had not been aware of until they had kissed that afternoon in the woods. Not to mention that John was raising Jamie's son. Choosing one but not the other would be like ripping out a piece of his soul, regardless of who he decided upon.

Jamie's thoughts were interrupted by John, who stood abruptly and began pacing in front of the hearth. "My God," he said, rubbing his temples, "Your choice is obvious, Jamie. Just go home with your wife-" he choked on his words, "and you can forget anything ever happened between us." He made his way towards the door, but Jamie stood and grabbed him by the arm.

"No, I am not going to allow you to leave. I love you, John."

"So you're deciding to leave me?" Jamie spun around to look at Claire as she spoke, still maintaining his grip on John.

"No! Christ, I love you both. Can't you just give me some time to-"

"I refuse to remain here for another moment," Claire stood from her seat and moved towards the door, but she too was trapped in Jamie's grasp.

"If ye dinna want to stay, we can go. But I refuse to leave without both of ye."

Both John and Claire's eyes widened in surprise at Jamie's announcement.

"I will come home, Sassenach. But I canna make a choice, at least not now. I willna allow this to end in an ultimatum. John?"

John sighed and Jamie could feel the muscles of his arm relax in his grip. "If it is okay with Claire, I shall accompany you to the Ridge."

Claire yanked her arm from Jamie's hand and stood confidently. "Fine. Homefield advantage, I suppose. This is far from over." She gave Jamie a glare and stormed out of the room.


	30. AN: Note on Upload "Schedule"

Hi all,

Some of you may have noticed that my upload schedule has been fairly inconsistent for this story. So I just thought I would explain why that is and why it will stay that way. I'm not forgetting about you I promise :)

This story is emotionally draining for me to update, partially because of its complexity but mostly because of the comments. I don't want to turn them off because there are a lot of you who are nice and I like the feedback when it's not in a condescending tone. But even after requesting several times for some of you to stop commenting and/or stop reading this story, I'm still getting hate. Not only that, but I get people telling *me* how *my* story is "supposed" to go or how the characters "actually" feel (all of these comments/"suggestions" contradicting things I have already established. Seriously, write your own story and stop projecting onto mine). I delete these comments when I see them, so I'm sure many of you haven't seen them lately. But trust me, they're at least 50% of the feedback I get. And there are no moderator robots on AO3, so I have to see the negativity in order to delete it.

I don't want to quit this story because when I have the emotional energy, I genuinely enjoy writing new chapters. But it is hard for me to guarantee consistency because I don't want to write just as an obligation. The chapters would not be high quality and I would be doing a disservice to myself, the characters, and to my readers if I forced myself to write just to meet a deadline.

I apologize to those of you who have been nice and who look forward to updates. Y'all don't deserve this, but I want to give you guys quality content and that means writing when my mind is in the right place. For those of you who also read A New Frontier (thank you!), I'm sure you see I update there more regularly. That will continue, but once again I don't have a consistent schedule.

Thank you for your patience :) Expect another chapter at some point this week.

-Ringer/H <3


	31. The Sounds of Pleasure

Fraser's Ridge: John POV

The shelter was surprisingly cozy, despite its rustic appearance. He had felt guilty when he first arrived to Fraser's Ridge back during the winter, having relegated Jamie and Claire to sleep here whilst he and William benefitted from the comfort of the cabin. To his surprise, John found the solitude welcoming. They had been on the road for weeks, and the tension never ceased in the slightest. Not only did John feel guilty after seeing the strain between Jamie and Claire during the journey home, but he also missed having Jamie to himself. Despite their differences, he and Claire had found a balance betwixt each other based on empathy. Claire surely felt she had a claim to Jamie, given their marriage, but they still maintained mutual respect. That alone was probably the most John could ever hope for.

He listened to the sounds of the crickets and frogs outside, stoking the fire once more before dozing off. He was half asleep when he heard a noise from the cabin. It was the voice of a woman, presumably Claire. The sound wasn't quite a wail, but- oh. John's eyes shot open at the realization. The moans were exaggerated, perhaps on purpose in an attempt to drive John away. But beneath them, John could hear the familiar low growls of Jamie, a noise he had become quite fond of. He imagined the goings-on in the cabin. Claire's fair form straddled beneath Jamie's strained muscles. The furrow of his brow as he concentrated, how his lips parted slightly when something felt especially good. 

He was pulled out of this imagery by the realization that he was hard. A spot of precum was visible on his breeches and he bit his lip. John was not sure what was so arousing- was it picturing Jamie? Or perhaps the pleasure that Claire was feeling in his bed? Or, seemingly less likely, was it listening to her moans? It was probably a combination of the three, but regardless he still felt somewhat ashamed as he unbuttoned his breeches and grasped his cock. The pleasure was enough for him to forget his guilt, and he began to stroke himself.

John listened closely to the moans and groans emanating from the cabin. He could picture just what was occurring based on the sounds. When Jamie paused, John did too. He could hear Claire whimper as Jamie teased her, and he found himself doing the same. She gasped loudly and John began stroking himself again. Claire's noises became more high pitched as she approached orgasm, so John picked up the pace. They came together, crying out in pleasure, and John finally heard Jamie reach his climax shortly afterwards.

John's stomach dropped as he thought about what he had just done, but he was not quite sure why. Was this an act of voyeurism? Had he violated Claire and Jamie? The guilt returned just as quickly as it had vanished and John felt a tear roll down his cheek. He was disgusted in himself, and yet he couldn't find it in him to regret what he had just done. But why? 

His cock was soft in his hand now and he cleaned himself up, trying to fight back his tears. 

********* 

Jamie brought him breakfast the next morning, which was not a surprise to John. Claire probably was in need of space, and Jamie would have wanted a moment alone with him.

"Here, mo leannan," Jamie said, handing John the plate of eggs and toast. "Did ye sleep well?"

John shook his head, but didn't say anything. He nibbled at the toast and Jamie sighed.

"I know it is hard to be out here alone, but it willna be for long. We will find a way."

John shook his head, swallowing his bite and looking up at Jamie. "I'm not sure how you plan to do that, Jamie. Claire clearly wants me gone."

"Why do ye say that? She was okay with ye comin' along in the first place."

John chuckled. "Surely you know your wife better than that. She means to intimidate me into leaving, that much she made clear last night."

Jamie furrowed his brow and John elaborated. "This shelter has thin walls, and apparently so does your cabin."

"What does- oh...I s'pose that is why she insisted I open the windows before we- I'm sorry John, I wasna thinking."

John placed a hand over Jamie's. "It's okay, truly. Rationality is typically not at the forefront of a persons mind when one is in that state. I surely would know." He looked away from Jamie's gaze, recalling the events of the night before and feeling a sinking feeling in his gut. He pushed the eggs around on his plate with his fork and Jamie squeezed his hand.

"Ye dinna seem okay, mo leannan. Tell me, please."

"There is nothing to tell, Jamie."

"I dinna ask much of ye, John, but I do expect ye to be truthful."

John sighed and met Jamie's gaze, noting the concern swimming in his eyes. "Fine then. There is something to tell, but it is not something I wish to divulge."

Jamie kissed John's temple before getting up. "Whatever it is, ye can tell me when ye wish to."


	32. A Morning in the Grass

Jamie POV

He wasn't very surprised when he awoke to find the bed empty beside him. Claire had a tendency to wake at dawn to harvest particular herbs that were, according her her, best plucked before the sun hits them. Summer was just around the corner, so her shelves were fully stocked for the year, springtime being the primary harvesting season. 

Seeing no use in remaining in bed for a moment longer, Jamie rose and poured himself a cup of tea from the kettle, which was being kept warm by the fire. The mornings were no longer brisk, but Claire had brewed enough for the two of them. He dressed, pulling on his freshly laundered breeches, which had been taken down from the line and folded neatly at the end of the bed. Claire was quite productive this morning. Grabbing a couple sticks of jerky from the cupboard, Jamie headed outside. 

He found her knee deep in the stream pulling fistfuls of water weeds from the rocky bottom. Her basket on the riverbank was filled to the brim with all sorts of green things. Jamie could hardly distinguish them from each other, but Claire had a keen eye for even just the most minute differences. She was always trying to tell Jamie about the more useful herbs-how to identify them, when to harvest them, how to apply them- but he found he just hadn't the mind for it. Her retention of such details was admirable. 

Jamie watched his wife for a couple of minutes, admiring all parts if her as she pulled her skirts up and bent forwards to retrieve more bounty. "Mornin' Sassenach," He finally said with a chuckle. 

Claire jumped in surprise. "Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ!" she exclaimed, turning around to glare at her snickering husband. "Enjoying the show?"

"Aye, verra much. Dinna let me distract ye," Jamie said with a wink.

Claire rolled her eyes playfully. "Very cheeky today, aren't we?" She waded out of the stream and deposited the damp weeds into her basket.

"I could say the same for you, Sassenach," Jamie replied, followed immediately by a playful slap on the chest from his wife. She began to walk away, but Jamie touched her arm lightly. Claire turned and looked at him, a small smile playing on her lips. Jamie pulled her into him and they kissed slowly. His hands wandered down her back, eventually cupping her bottom through her skirts. "Ye've done so much this mornin', Sassenach. I reckon you'll be needin' a break," Jamie said, his lips brushing over Claire's as he spoke.

"Mm," Claire hummed, kissing him again, "I suppose I am feeling a bit tired."

Jamie stooped down, wrapping one arm behind her knees, and picked her up. She squeaked in surprise at the sudden movement and kissed his neck as he carried her to a nearby patch of grass.

"Oh, you look so lovely in the grass Sassenach," Jamie said, tucking a stray curl behind her ear. "Remember when I would take ye in the heather? Back in Scotland?"

"Clear as day," Claire said, curling a finger around Jamie's chin and pulling him on top of her into a kiss.

"I would kiss every inch of ye," he said, pulling his lips away from her mouth and bringing them up to her forehead, her nose, her cheeks and ears, and then down to her neck and collarbone. His hands found their way underneath her skirts and he ran them over the smooth skin of her thighs. Kissing her again, he brought his hand up higher, feeling the warm moisture between her legs.

Claire hummed into the kiss, encouraging him. Jamie responded, rubbing her in a circular motion that caused her to groan in pleasure. He too was aroused, but his own needs weren't important right now. He broke the kiss with a smile and began a trail of kissed from her jaw to her naval. She giggled as her flipped her skirts up, purposefully throwing them over her head playfully. 

Jamie moved his tongue over Claire in slow circles, pausing only to insert two fingers into her and massage where he knew she would feel the most pleasure. Her back arched and he could feel the familiar twitches that indicated her approaching climax. 

"Jamie," she moaned. He began the gradual quickening of pace, careful not to go too quickly and break his rhythm. Her breath hitched and she tensed, moaning as her muscles pulsed against Jamie's fingers. The pulsation slowed after a few seconds and Claire's breathing returned to normal. He brought her skirts back down over her legs, kissing her gently on the mouth. Her cheeks were rosy and a satisfied grin appeared on her face. 

"Feeling more relaxed now, Sassenach?"

"Oh, wonderfully," Claire said, sitting up. Jamie helped her to to her feet and handed her the basket. He gave her his elbow and they took their time walking back to the cabin. "Jamie?" she whispered.

"Yes, Sassenach?" He replied, peering over to look at her face. He could see the turmoil in her mind. "What is it?"

"Do you still feel the same way about me as you did when we fell in love?" Their romp in the grass must have brought back the same memories for Claire as it had for Jamie.

"No, I don't," Jamie said. He could feel Claire tense and he stopped walking, placing a hand on her cheek to face him. "We have changed in so many ways, Claire. But so has our love. If I loved ye the same way I did thirty years ago, then the woman I loved would not be the same one who stands before me now."

She stared at him for a moment, temporarily lost in his loving gaze. There was a noise from the direction of the cabin and Claire turned her head, the endearing look wiped instantly from her face and the momentary spell broken. Jamie turned too and saw in the distance that John had awakened and left the shelter. 

"Then what is he still doing here?"


End file.
